Jeremy

I measure my time in Malaysia by the number of visits I've made to Marketplace. It's not the place it used to be (4 years ago when I was 16) but there's honestly no where else to go on a (not really) slutty Saturday night. Somehow this would always be the special place for me. And also because I'm one of those people who are losers deep down in need of the most frivolous of validation.

It's been three weeks now, including a visit to Frangipani (it was closed, but thankfully I bumped into some friends who decided to open bottles in their newly renovated downstairs bar-cafe instead). Week after week I found affirmation in the attention of not-so-eligible men, be it simply due to their looks (I am ashamed, but I seek comfort in a face I can wake up next to everyday without vomiting into my presumably favorite pillow), their education level, their job, their confidence, their age or.. their brains (you'd be surprised the shit some thoroughly educated people can spew, but for modesty's sake it could just be my lack of intelligence instead).

Last week before adjourning to the mamak next door I actually met someone decent. My friends wanted to do one last "round" (like cougars on their last prowls of the night) but I wanted to just sit aside and enjoy my Midori Illusion, so I waited alone. The subtle difference between looking like a friendless lost loser and an eligible individual craving a moment's solitude (besides the eligibility) is the confident (yet friendly), subtle smile, hinting of a wandering mind. I've always thought that I had it down but an approaching stranger begged to differ.

"Why so lonely? You look sad."

And thus began a rather enjoyable conversation, beginning with the explanation that it's my default face (sad eyes, like how the ex said etc) moving onto different fields of conversation.

"I bet many people have told you that you're really cute. So I won't. But you're the kind of adorable I'd love to hug and kiss everyday."

And (although I begged to differ, self-esteem issues *sigh*) of course I reciprocated, telling him he's not so bad himself. And that it wasn't his looks alone, he had the entire package - the confidence, the swagger, the charm. So I fished deeper into the conversation in search of more information - where he lived (by extension what kind of house he lived in, and thus what kind of family he might have), what he was studying... and where he was studying.

"London." 

"It's a great place, you should come visit."

"I'll bring you around."

He did have the entire package. Of course it had to be London. Of all fucking places.

My friends soon returned and it was time to leave. Before leaving he asked me if he could have my number, and I could feel my friends eyeing me eagerly from behind.

"Perhaps not, I'm not available, emotionally anyway. Still feeling attached to someone." I replied, smiling in the hopes that I wouldn't sound snobbish.

"Maybe next time?" He asked slyly.

*

Later at the mamak, amidst ignorable chit-chat, I found myself secretly hoping that he would walk pass on his way to the car and say hi again or something, but I guess he parked at the carpark opposite MP instead. On the car ride home my mind replayed the entire episode, wondering if I said the right thing.




"Maybe."

12/12/12

It's been about three months now. I'm not very sure, I don't really keep track and I find myself avoiding retrospection involving that. The pain has dulled itself out, like how all forest fires eventually burn themselves out, leaving behind only heavy smoke that weighs one down. 

We're still talking, and most of the time it's almost like we're still together, and sometimes I worry if that's healthy, being so close despite no longer being together. But then again I can't resist talking to him, replying him, or settling back into familiar sweet ways. 

I've been going around, hanging out with friends, meeting people, old and new, partying, gymming, sleeping late, playing mahjong etc etc in KL - basically just really bumming around before I head back for summer school. Life's good, though I wish I had better sleeping habits. But my mind often wanders into thoughts of you when I lay down at night. Been taking more sleeping... supplements than I would like myself to have. Gotta stop that.

Sent him a text on Whatsapp celebrating the insignificant 12/12/12 date. I really wanted to say more but what's the point. 

I miss you

Apologize

I'm not going to deny that I enjoy the attention I get whenever someone shows an interest. Neither would I deny that I enjoy the chase, the coy interactions two people share when in that stage. But I always make things clear, and state explicitly when something would never happen.

Rejections are never easy, both to give and take. Nobody likes the tedious task of saying no, or the wrenching acceptance of dejection, and maybe that's why so many people choose to just ignore the other party until they get a clue and let whatever's happened slowly fade away. But I'm not that kind of person, and I make it a point to say things clearly. I think of it as a courtesy, as basic human manners. When someone dares to bare their inner feelings, when they take that chance, it's one thing to crush it straight upfront, but it's another thing to just let it be crushed slowly and without respect.

But that's my ultimate problem isn't it?

When I make it clear that it isn't happening - I'm a bitch. I think I'm too good for you. Never mind that I've never said anything of that sort, or even behaved in a way that implies it - let's just assume it. Let's just assume that when someone doesn't want to be with you, it is because the other person thinks he's better than you, that he can do better. There isn't any other reason. Who cares about compatibility, right?

When I pretend to be oblivious - I'm also a bitch. Cause I'm obviously too smart to not know, and I should have said something. No, not subtly implying that it wouldn't happen, of course not, say it outright. To my face. Preferably without any of your friends and just mine that I insisted be there, so I can have them help twist the obviously fake apology into something worthy of an Adele song. Yes, you should be the next star of my dramatic life.

And then there are those that take my... attempts at being a nice person as something more. If it's something more you will know it's something more. If it's not, it's not. Stop trying to contort my friendliness into some flirtatious slutty shit. I'm bubbly, like the champagne your father probably drank that made him forget to put a condom on when he conceived you. What a waste of desperate sperm.

Almost 3 years now. You still at it? I could go on. But guess what?

I AM better than you.

Alone

Haven't been here as I've been dumping all my shit on my public blog. I think most people have forgotten about it after shutting it down for so long, making it once again a safe place to blog in. Those who still frequent it after almost 5 months of closure totally deserve to read my innermost bullshit anyway.

In many ways I've been avoiding this blog, preferring to play Mahjong over actual writing. I haven't wrote in so long, and it feels wrong. One of the best feelings in this lifetime for me is the idea that you can have a laptop (no pen and paper please, actual writing is so fucking tedious and ugly, have you seen my high school essays?), open an empty word document and create a world from scratch ala-Harry-Potter (or Twilight even, seriously).

But the other day I turned it on and sat in front of a blank page and felt nothing. I was numb. One of life's greatest gifts to me - gone.

.. And I'm still not talking about it. Has it already been two months? Why does it still feel so raw

It Finally Happened

For the most part of our relationship, I was always dreading the uncertainty of its future. And since we decided to be together, there was that mutual agreement that it would end in the middle of 2012, when we go separate ways. For a while that was diverted by him getting into Masters, but we all know how that turned out.

So anyway, we're not going to be in the same country for at least the next 5 years. We broken up, kind of, although we're still as much as a couple as we are before, only not physically cause he's not physically here any more.

So anyway, broken days ahead, I'm writing articles for the Uni paper and shit so I'm getting my writing-outlet there. I can't stand to look at many things anyway cause when I do, I see him in them. But of course I'll have to,slowly though, and eventually I'll be okay.

The tears have dried. And now the numb's set in.

I miss you

Goodbye, Again

**X or The-One-Who-Got-Away will henceforth be known as J. X is too cliche and ultimately, he didn't get away after all. 

So anyway J was back in KL the last 2 weeks. It was the usual clubbing clubbing clubbing, of endless alcohol and the usual druken emotional outrage. Surprisingly, the outrage came from J this time. It's usually me.

I've always known that in the end I will always be somewhat important to him, like how he is to me. It's the vague, what-was, what-could-have been-but-unfortunately-we-went-on-to-fuck-other-people-instead kind of love. It was so amazing when it happened, sparks flew, I was 15 all over again and he was that fairytale that I long gave up on - but we were going separate ways. I was willing to try, but he wasn't, and somehow that translated into me being the clingy one and him being the strong one who cares just a little less. He said he didn't want to ruin the first time, to ruin the honeymoon period being continents apart. We would continue to drag this one for a long time, and about a year into it he told me he loved me.

But even that was more than a year and a half ago.

So I guess it was good to hear that again, after so long. To just receive a light kiss and a brief hug as additional assurance of sincerity.

Yesterday he boarded for London.

Soon I will be back in Melbourne.

And like before, we will be worlds apart.

Goodbye, again.

No no no

Motherfucking dopplegangger shared me this. And I'm sharing it with you all so you all can feel sentimental and yearn and imagine how sweet it'd be to be a couple as cute as that.

Doesn't change how me and the bf are gonna turn out though.

Doesn't.

Overwhelmed

His exams finish tomorrow.

We're supposed to go celebrate his belated birthday. Go visit the hot springs. Spend endless days rolling in bed. Cook together. Update his wardrobe. Do all sorts of lovely things together that'd make us both so content and happy.

But I feel reluctant.

Why make more memories when you know you need to forget?

Ok there is faulty logic behind that. I know eventually I'd get over it and be glad I have the memories. But until then comes along, I'm on survivor mode.

Swagger

Hi guys.

First of all sorry I'm not replying any comments on the last post, I didn't even read them. I don't even want to look at that post. It feels like one of those things I would write while intoxicated then wake up and be ashamed of. But it's been many days now and I'm still hungover.

Went clubbing yesterday, was really tipsy and towards the end of the night I became really emotional. It started when the Bf sent me an ordinary, good-night-take-care-don't-be-too-slutty message. I got really choked up at that cause I guess it hit me how much I'd feel his absence when he leaves. Anyway, the Doppelgänger stayed over at my place later. We're friends now. Lol

I would write dramatically in stunning emotional detail about what happened but this is a new laptop and I don't want to cry over its keypad. The conclusion is that he didn't get into masters, leaving real soon and I really don't know what to do or how to feel.

In other words, watch this space.

Trainwreck coming through.

Sleep Deprived

"I haven't received the letter yet."

He mentioned to me casually. The letter in reference was his Masters acceptance letter. I noticed the hinted casualness behind his tone. I hated that I noticed and questioned everything. My mind processed it really quickly, and I tried to not look too deep into it in the unconsciously way I could consciously impose.

I didn't wanna process the consequences. I didn't wanna have the realization dawn on me. But it did.

All I did was smile.

Smile as you studied for your Friday paper.
Smile as you hugged me on the bed.
Smile as we watched a bit of Desperate Housewives.
Smile as you fell asleep.

You could be leaving soon. This could truly be our last month together. And that is why I only slept two hours last night.

In an perpetual struggle with thoughts that threaten to unleash these tears

Thankful

It's almost 5am as usual but what's different this time is that I've just awoken from my blissful slumber.The exams are finally over and I've acquired a new-found appreciation for the luxury to do nothing at all.

I knew that I would fall asleep if I went home, thus fucking my sleep cycle even further, so I went shopping with friends and dived head first to Body Attack (it's my favourite gym class!) despite having not slept in more than 30 hours. My exams ended at 4, we took an hour (went home to shit and kiss the bf) before arriving at the city, and most stores in Melbourne close by 6 on weekdays.. you would think that an hour is hardly enough to shop.

You're wrong.

And in the lingering euphoria of NEW CLOTHES and the huge weight of exams off my shoulders, I am infinitely happy. I mean, I've always been content, even in the 20th hour of my suicide-tempting study marathon after my second jar of Nutella, but I've always regarded contentment and happiness as two different (but none the less related) things.

But right now I'M FUCKING HAPPY LA!

Can't wait to club next week (too tired now, a lot of sleep debt to pay off), karaoke, MJ sessions, chilling around doing nothing, Lady Gaga (Ooooh yea Bf got us VIP seats!), wearing my pretty new shit, and having a whole month to spend back home in Msia to boot.

But the contentment has always been there.

And the picture now seems completely irrelevant to the post.

Crash

Running on caffeine-fuelled borrowed time until further notice.

I keep telling myself I can't slow down now, that I can't take a breather right now when the finish line is so close. It will be over in two days, but I can feel myself crashing down this very moment.

20 mins won't make much of a difference.... right?

Despite My Self-Imposed Ban

OMG I can hear my housemate having sex. All the moans and shit. So clumsy sounding, banging into the walls and the metal heater. He is unusually loud today. LOL

K back to studying. Although did you know that it's surprisingly hard to concentrate when you can hear every inch of pleasure they are giving and receiving? I did not. Until now.

Exam Stress

Overwhelmed.

I don't want to ignore you. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to have to give you up. I don't want to move on.

I miss you. I wish you were here. I think about us all the time. I think about everything you've said to me.

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to flat-out ignore you. I'm sorry I just feign disinterest in everything you say. I'm sorry I always pretend to be busy. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

I'm sorry for wishing that it hurts you more than it hurts me.

You will always have a special place in my heart, despite almost a whole year being happy with Sean. And I wish you didn't. I just want you gone. Sean deserves all of me.

This is me, at 2am in the library, studying, armed with Jim Bean and Coke, waging a war against the tears that hide behind my eyes.

This is me, on my knees, losing the fight; as that lone teardrop curiously rolls down my right cheek.

Jian.....

We have become increasingly interested in each other's testicles

"Ilu bb."

"Ilu imu ibcu"

"ibcu?"

"ball-crush"

"WTF"

- whatsapp exchange between me and the Bf

"How are you?"

Inevitably in every conversation, this question pops up. When I was younger I used to make it a point to not give a boring answer. I cringed and rolled my eyes if they replied with shitty, routine answers (ie; "im ok", "good. u?"). I would even accept "could be better if I could have your sexy ass" as an answer (and my answer would depend on your... eligibility). What I couldn't tolerate most were people who give boring answers, which would irrevocably lead to a death in chemistry. Your body how hot also no use lar!

Ok, admittedly that last line was a lie. I would probably keep the chemistry going for a longer time, increasing in a linear fashion (learnt this while writing my psych lab reports woohoo I can has sounding smart!) according to the amount of abs you have. But we would eventuate into nothingness in the end anyway, since even back then I was never THAT shallow to keep afloat what was only supported by purely superficial means. (And when I say eventuate into nothingness I meant hot guy and me in bed eventuating into my..nothingness.)

When asked how I was, I gave a frank (and usually TMI) answer of what I was really feeling. Not to everyone, of course, I give the ones I don't want around the boring answers I despise (but they seem to stay anyway), but to those I wanted to build something more than "nothingness" with. 

So that meant that that simple (so many thats, cool right?), asked-out-of-obligation question was reciprocated with long-ass, overly-dramatic answers. The kind that involves every exboyfriend gathering and making out with each other and then spiking drinks and stabbing this back and that guy's back and getting cheated on and being played and your dog dying. Only two out of em' all actually happened btw. It's 6am I'm allowed to make shit up.

But that was then, and this is now. I guess I have grown up. (Or jaded, one or the other.)

"Oh, I'm good. Yourself?"

When a crush turns bitter, from admirer to stalker

Tonight was supposed to be the final rush towards perfection for my lab report on visual search. I was 90% complete when a random guy (with somewhat of an attitude problem) that I've chat with before started messaging me on Facebook.

"I love it when you ignore me."

....ugh, really?

I have no need to justify this, but I do sometimes choose to pretend I've not seen one's FB message. It's so annoying, yes necessary, but annoying. I mean, I've got a life to lead! Anyway most of the times he messages me (at godforsaken 7am-like hours) I already am on the bed and it takes a bitch ass long time to load messages on an iPhone, so I don't bother. But when he commented once earlier in the morning (like 7am) I replied because.. er, wallposts load really fast. (Damnit I ended up justifying myself)

Anyway, he went on with his usual passive-aggressive (you have not seen passive-aggressive until you have seen him) self, being a real pain in the ass (not in a good way lah fuck off) and all so I told him that I had to go do work. Said I was sorry. He insists that I appear offline on FB chat. I would, just to get him to fuck off but I was discussing some work with some mates and fuck, he kept scolding and scolding and was so relentless on me being offline (fucking scary la wtf is it to you whether I appear offline or online). I eventually told him, "look, just delete me if you can't stand seeing me online on your list".

That was when it happened I think. When he started showing his scary, stalkery side.

It's 5.30am (typical, just finally done with my report! hurrah) and I'm not going to go into exact details but basically he went on and on and wouldn't let up and I realized then I was in danger if he actually used stuff on my FB and twitter and instagram against me so I blocked him. And also set everything to maximum privacy.

He started calling, and calling, and leaving whatsapp messages, and actual messages, and voicemails. Basically right now it has been about 2 and a half hours? And I've got at least 150 misscalls and about 100 mother fuckin creepy voicemails from a blocked number.

He was an old friend's of my housemate, and my housemate (the one who was having sex a few posts ago) told me about more of his history. Apparently, he's a pro at this. He's got restraining orders against him. He's been in court. He's on meds for depression and shit. And I realized then I was dealing with a literally crazy bastard.

Ugh.

Before turning all stalkery he had a crush on me. Did I lead him on..? No. My conscience is clear. From the very start I have made it clear I was attached and I wasn't looking for anything other than friends. And when he started flirting in the beginning I reminded him, once more, of my earlier disclaimer.

He still insists I lead him on though. Ugh, whatever. You know lah, crazy people. Piff.

The Bf won't be happy to hear about this. A police report was made but they need to hear an actual physical threat to take action. This guy really is a pro to know all the loopholes and shit. Tomorrow go change number.

This post is a mess, my story is only partially told but I honestly can't be fucked tonight (in more ways than one). All you bitches out there please pray I don't die or get stabbed randomly in public by some HIV-infected knife.

(And this is why I tell you to be careful what you share on Grindr/Jack'd, Leonut.)

(Apparently he recognized the tramstop in one of my housemate's pictures. Now he's sending voicemails saying repetitively saying 'I know you live near tramstop xx', 'I will be waiting at tramstop xx', 'I'll be watching you', and creepy sounds of random movies. Fml)

My Dear Boyfriend

Disclaimer: You know that moment when you're not feeling yourself and all the emotions that you have ever experienced decide to come together and flood you over until all you can manage are dishevelled dramatic words formed from thoughts that shoot further than cum after a week long's abstinence? Yes this is that moment. Contrary to popular belief, we are actually happy together. Hehe

Hello, this is me at 6.59am in the morning. That nap between my assignments before cut my sleep short, and I have hence been awake since 2. I am dying to fall asleep for my 2pm tute. But I want to write this all down before I feel differently.

You've spent the last 3 nights with me. And as I lay awake on my bed, snuggled under the covers, fan blowing towards me, Bree desperately trying to save her marriage (rewatching the first season, I am) on the flat-screen, it hit me. 

I wanna be with you. I want to be with you until circumstances tear us apart. This is the realization that I need you. This is the epiphany that my life could be so content and meaningful yet so empty without you.

This is me saying I love you at 7.05am in the morning.

Or maybe this is me on a sleep deprived high that fades after some z-s.

Yeah, this is probably that. But would it make it different if I feel that way every single time I'm on a sleep deprived high at a time when the sun has half risen?

I still wanna fuck all the boys. As do you. It's so scary how long we've lasted. It's so scary to imagine forever with you, but it's even worse to picture a world without you and me.

Or maybe you don't wanna fuck all the boys. Maybe I'm enough. Really? Am I really enough?

Rant #1

The day has long been over. For many a new day is about to begin. 5.34am in Melbourne, one assignment down, two tests studied for, two gym classes attended and one bill paid.

I should feel accomplished. But instead I feel distant from it all.

It's not like I can't figure out why. 

It's more like I don't wanna put my finger on it.

...let me go. 

Hope everyone's had a better day. And may your tomorrow be not full of shit. 

K's Recent Pleasures

....that does not include sex. (Attached, remember? Zzz)

I'm Not Yours - Angus and Julia Stone

It's so depressing, but depressing songs are my kinda therapy. Cry your heart out and feel better. That's the way I do it. This was my break-up song last year when the bf first dumped me (after he played me, that motherfucking bastard) and listening to it always brings me back to how I felt then. It feels as if I've cried everything onto this track, and those emotions will always linger on between every depressing chord.

(When listening to this I nonchalantly told the bf that this was the song I cried to when he broke my heart more than a year ago and he hugged me and kissed me and said he was sorry and that he would never do that again.... then I punched his crotch.)

Stay - Miley Cyrus

Yes it's a Miley Cyrus track. But it's much unlike whatever songs she's got on mainstream radio. It's actually really emotional and raw. For once I don't find her voice annoying, but instead appropriate. Listen to it. It'll remind you of your deepest heartache in those teenage years that have long slipped by. Like the teenage version of Adele... minus 20kg.

Sober - Kelly Clarkson

It was actually the second single off her My December album but it didn't really perform well so it's relatively unknown. It's an amazing song, really. Listen to her live versions on Youtube, her voice is so amazing towards the end when she belts her heart out. BUT listen to the album version too cause the strumming of the guitar and that haunting intro is just too good and it's different from all her live performances. 

Irvine - Kelly Clarkson

It's very dark. This isn't everyone's cup of tea but believe it or not it's my kinda song. I love this entire album, and although it kinda tanked commercially it's my favourite from her (which is saying a lot as I'm a diehard Kelly Clarkson Since-You-Been-Gone-Behind-These-Hazel-Eyes fan). I think it's very beautifully written, with a very poetic structure (but not as a poem though, as half a creative writing major I can tell you  those "good" poets would say that she's "telling too much and not showing enough").

Wide Awake - Katy Perry

As per a typical Katy Perry song, it has a well-formed tune with catchy hooks that will be stuck in your head. It's quite decent lyrically as well, and with this following the obviously addictive (yet oh so melancholic) TOTGA I find myself becoming quite a fan of hers!

Sub-standard Kayson

Is it normal to feel inadequate and outwardly-subpar (read : ugly & fat) at 5am in the morning?

I've been attracting quite a few cute guys on Jack'd (don't judge me.. Leonut's using it too!) (plus me and my bf are both on it to ogle at hot guys and stuff and we have each other's permission and blah blah). But the thing is my Jack'd picture is not of my face (no face pics at all, in fact), just a few pics of my body. 

Surprisingly, there are a few who weren't looking for sex (I usually tell them I'm attached and that I'm just here for friends after like two exchanges hehe). They actually liked what was written on my profile. 

Obviously after a while they want to put a face on that body so they ask. Ugh and I get so reluctant to send them my face pics cause fuck la I so ugly compared to them. But anyway I did reveal my face to one or two or five cutie pies. 

And then they ask me out for coffee. Shit lol. 

I guess friendship has gotta start from somewhere but what if I don't live up to their expectations.

The Bf tells me I'm stupid and that I'm gorgeous but fuck his opinion he's obligated to say that (or I withhold sex). 

I posted "Plastic surgery gmh" on Gives Me Hope once (go read it, it's actually quite... errr heart-warming at times).

Stupid optimistic people ("the FML for optimists!") are actually really creative when it comes to insults.

Yes that was me.

Fuck me and my superficial childish problems. I'll be reborn a hungry African child in my next life. At least I don't have to worry about being skinny then. 

Ok stop. My life is amazing. I'm happy everyday *throws mirror at housemate who is currently having sex*

Ivan

I first met Ivan when I was 16. He was making out with WY, another guy who I believe totally fucked his own life up. He had a reputation for being somewhat of an asshole, and from the first moment he talked to me, I could've have agreed more.

WY asked me for a goodbye kiss, and I obliged. He stuck his tongue inside me and ravaged my mouth. I went along; I didn't really know what constituted a great kiss then. Ivan, having spent the entire night talking to WY (fishing for a ONS apparently) was opposite us and seemed jealous ("Where's mine?").

He took my phone and left himself a missed call. I was admittedly turned on by this confidence, but I wasn't gonna give him that satisfaction. So when he refused to give me his name, I just saved his name under "Lanci" (arrogant, in canto) for future references, promptly walking away. 

Eventually we did go out quite a few times. We went to watch movies, to cybercafes for afternoons of DotA, to talk. He was still an asshole, I guess, but sometimes his softer side shone through. I could tell he was trying to be nice. Once he slept over at my place. We watched Grey's Anatomy till I fell asleep on his chest. His dick was huge (he showed me, that fucking cocky bastard). We didn't have sex. 

He would sometimes lash out at me. He insisted I was just playing with him. That I was just getting him to lower his guard so he would slip. He threatened that if I repeated any of the "mushy sensitive" stuff he said to me in confidence he would "fucking beat me up".When asked why he told me I was too good for him. He wasn't particularly handsome. He didn't have a hot body. He wasn't even nice to me at the start.  Once he called me a "fucking cheebye loser" and ended up spending the entire night convincing me I wasn't. So... why?

I guess I liked him then. He kept telling me to not fall in love with him. But it was pretty much the other way around, him being really attached to me. He was especially protective of me, and when people spoke ill of him I spoke up and stood his ground.. so I think I was pretty protective of him too. I think I had feelings for him. I was sure he had them for me, though.

Anyway, eventually I got sick of all his bullshit and mindgames. I think I hurt him real bad when I told him I had enough; that he wasn't worth it anymore. I told him I was sorry for saying that. I think he cried. I think that was the moment I became a cold-hearted bitch. 

We somehow drifted apart after then. And many guys later, we're still friends. It's been 5 years now and we've both grown. He's changed dramatically though. He's nice now. Everyone likes him. He's nice to everyone. Me included.

I don't know why I typed this. I was reminiscing, I guess, and I thought of him. He wasn't a fucking great deal of my life, but I miss him. And somewhere deep down, I guess I feel like I lost him. The him that was mine, anyway. 

It's selfish of me, but I wish he was still a well-hated jerk who was only nice to me (at times). I look at him and it brings me back to all the feelings I've long forgotten. I want to feel those emotions all over again. 

But he has changed. And so have I. For the better or for worst, it makes me want to cry. 

WTF!

-_-

Built This Way

I first heard this song in 04, when I was 12, while watching Mean Girls (Lindsay Lohan's peak!). But hearing this song never fails to bring me back to when I was 14 and it felt like it was me against the world.

Go find the lyrics. I'm sure we all can relate.

And I wonder if I'm just built this way;

cause everyone just makes me feel like I'm too blame

Retrospect

Sometimes when you look back all you can say is

"I'm sorry for the things I've done and the person I've been."

And sometimes it's just

"fuck you and fuck your fucking asshole"

In your shadow

I'm on the plane.

I know where everything is, how most of these things go, and while many are abroad with parents or guardians of some kind, I sit alone accompanied only by the shadow you've left behind.

Inevitably, my mind drifts off on its own adventure, imagining you on your many flights.. whether you were your usual cocky cool or if you were unusually nervous, whether you were sound asleep or if you are the type that finds it easier to fall in love than to fall asleep, whether you were alone or was someone with you.

Even now, when I know you're not alone, I wonder if you are lonely, deep down.

I've somewhat lost my acquired taste for Chardonnay, but predictably, the allure of free flow alcohol which MAS so generously pours into a contradicting small cup has gotten me tipsy (and just a wee bit emotional).

It's easier to see you with my eyes closed rather than open. So I turn on our song, order another glass of wine, and close my eyes.

p/s: Wrote this on my plane back to Melbs about 9 days ago. It is still relevant to my feelings today.

The Dilemmas I Face When I'm Too Free

So a few weeks back two of my straight friends (a couple) went with me to MP for k-pop night (it was boomz). While the boyfriend was chatting with the inevitable letdown (that's quite a mouthful lol) and his bf, the girl was dancing and I went to check on her while heading to the toilet.

She was dancing with this really hot guy. Handsome face, buff (but not overly buff) body.. omg jealous max. When she spotted me I shouted over the music to ask if she was okay. She said she was and winked at me... and then so did he.

"Your friend is very pretty!"

"I know right," I replied, turning towards my friend to catch her blush.

"You're very cute too," he said, before leaning towards me over the rails (I was elevated as I was on the stairs, while he was on the dance floor, regular MP attendees should know what I mean), and giving me a hug. He also snuck a kiss on my neck in. "My name's Kenneth!"

Caught off-guard but not to lose my cool, "So are you, I'm Kayson." I smiled the best I could (full on dimples and all) and he reciprocated with another. I said I had to go pee and I walked away reluctantly.

Soon after we were talking to this guy who somehow just sat down with us (D) and suddenly his friends arrived, all drunk and looked very much like they were about to pass-out. The guy from the dance floor was one of them.

That was the end of that night.

The other day while browsing (not stalking!!!!!) through D's FB timeline I spotted Kenneth.

Perhaps I'm too free, but these past few days I've been in a dilemma whether to add him or not! I mean, just to be friends, nothing more. What's the point, you ask?


HE'S FUCKING HOT LA

Akin to this standard, seriously. Stolen it off Eric's blog. Teehee

What do I doooooooo

Fuck yea

Happy Valentines Day!

So first of at exactly 12 I called the bf to wish him and after a world of talking, he revealed to me that he was staying in Melbourne to do his masters... which means he'll be there for two more fucking years!! (Rather than just leave Melbourne by the end of this semester)

That's the best news I've heard so far. There has always been this deep-seated feeling of dread threatening to creep in every time I dare think of the future, but now I only feel relief (Or maybe the feeling has just been delayed another 2 years).

BEST VALENTINES DAY EVER!!

YESSSSSSSSS

Facial

Recently due to my last nights partying and the like, my complexion had gotten a bit dull. So two weeks back or so I was masturbating in the shower as I was allowing the hair masque to sink in and I came. 

I faintly recall people saying that it does wonders for the face, and I had nothing to lose so...

Yeah. I think it does work for me.

Has anyone else tried it? Does it work? Don't tell my mom k.

Worn Off

Three months of long distance has made me and the bf restless, volatile and tired.

Him going off to China and UK and wherever four months from now would be the death of our relationship.

In 3 weeks, I will be back in Melbourne. Where we will have another four months to spend together.

But as of today, I'm relatively numb. The worse is over, and if we break up now I'd be relatively okay. But I want that four months we still have in Melbourne. At the cost of getting hurt again when he leaves for good, however, is it worth it?

Where do we go from here.

Pangs

I am going to write about something which might piss some people off. And that is something I somewhat enjoy doing, so fuck you! Haha.

FUCK I'm horny. It's been three months of long-distance-relationship-ness, and I am very tempted to cheat. At first I just got on Grindr because firstly, my bf went on it first, and secondly, to hopefully quench thirst through distant waters or some bullshit like that.

There is too much temptation.

Wanking off doesn't help for long.

Random roadside aunty called me yong sui.

Balls are very blue.

Dick is very hard.

Ass is very itchy.

Goodnight.

Underneath It All

So I was in Bali.

The sun was appropriately sunny, scorching down upon the feast of hot white men while I hide behind sunnies and a tequila sunrise. Most young Caucasians, despite my deep-seated Asian preferences, are undeniably good looking. Some of the older ones are toned and have that sexy, rugged daddy look, but most are just kinda.. meh. Not my cup of tea.

I was wearing this pair of red swim shorts over these pair of white speedos. The red shorts I got half-price at some factory outlet place in Melbourne. The white speedos I've owned since I was 15, from my days of competitive swimming, that I've not worn before. I remember buying it cause it was just so fucking sexy la. You always see those jap boys with fucking hot bodies wearing them in porn (teehee).

When I first arrived, two guys walked pass, one blonde and the other had dark hair. The blonde was donning Raybans and turned around to look at me a few times. That same blonde walked pass, while I was playing cards with my dad, aunt and uncle and smiled at me. I reluctantly smiled back, afraid my family would notice but god it felt amazing to get attention.

When I finally got some wifi, the first thing I did was get back on Facebook, reply stuff on twitter.. before finally turning Grindr on. Are there always these many gay men in Bali?!

You were in another country.

I wish I didn't care.

Knifed in the Back

(to be read in one breath)

There's this really nice girl that IS sincerely a really nice girl who I got kinda close with and then one day she confronted me about being gay so I told her over wine and then told her she wasn't allowed to tell anyone and I found out she told her best friend and another guy and now I can't even look at her my trust is betrayed now all I wanna do is to do nothing to her because she's still a nice girl but I just can't be friends with her anymore.

$%^ Why can't you just be a motherfucking bitch, nice-girl-bitch?!

Only as bright as you wanted me to be

It was the only place I'd ever known

Turned off the lights on my way out the door

I will be watching wherever you go,

through the eyes of a fly on the wall

Black Rose

Backdrop perfect, colors strong
It came too close to a full bloom
Moments right that turned out wrong
Left the lone black rose to a mourning moon

Gaps between fingers now unfilled
Another rose red now exists
Between two smiles memories sealed
Watching it bloom within our midst

Letting go isn't moving on
Moving on isn't moving forward
Beauty cherished before its gone
These petals fall gracefully, feigning comfort

Darkness swallows what was whole
Blood red buds eclipse what was
No more us against the world
No more world to be against us

A somber stem will remain
Adamantly lasting as rosebud dies
Perhaps someday blooming again
Perhaps someday a fading goodbye

Backdrop perfect, colors strong
Immaculately fitting for one bloody bloom
Moments right that didn't belong
Left the lone black rose to a wilting moon.

**I do not own the picture**

And We Will Never Be The Same

That moment when you realize you don't matter anymore.

Two years down the road.

Things have changed.

So we're not still the same.

We're not who we were.

I can't remember if we're at where we hoped to be.

I can't remember if all that was said was a real memory,

or just a vivid reverie.

Distance is such a contradiction.

Priorities have changed.

It's not us against the world anymore,

issit? ;' )

Happy Two Years. You still haunt me everyday even as a memory. 

Another Year

First and foremost,

Happy New Year Bitches!

It's been the longest time since I went for a double-gay-clubbing weekend* and I had a fabulous time (despite counting down in the car). I'd kinda swore off the Msian scene for quite a while now (conveniently coinciding with my departure to Melbourne *cough*) but it felt good to be home. I've been out and about practically everyday and now I'm taking a few days to recharge my batteries.

Life in Melbourne is amazing but life at home is always the best. It's good to be home =).

*Frangipani on Friday + Marketplace on Saturday 

 On to more angsty matters;

"I'm not gonna bother meeting up with Kay cause he doesn't even have the heart to find me first."

Fuck you.

No shit, I am busy. I have a lot of people to meet. I can't remember every single bloody person. Would it hurt you so bad to just contact me first? Is that such an unbearable emotional pain?

I am so tired of everyone expecting me to call the up and make the first move to ask them to meet up. It's okay if you don't, but to say something like that above? Fuck you.

You have just proven yourself unworthy of my time.

K but don't forget I am very happy happy happy (outside of this angst anyway ahha)