Saturday, March 23, 2013


I sat on my balcony, thinking about the ex's imminent departure. He came for a month to be with me, and all my worst fears have come true, that we would get close again, that I would be emotionally attached. I didn't deal with it so well the last time, and I dread what would become of me in two days. 

It's happening again. I can feel it, the tears partially forming behind my eyes, and it scares me. Why did I let you stay with me. Why? I just moved into my new apartment, and it's already tainted with memories of us. I regret letting that happen, but I guess I would regret not being with you while you were here even more. I chose the lesser pain.
I was finally okay. I could breath again. The world was bright and sunny. I was happy. I generally am.. Before I let some guy come into my world and leave it tattered again. 

But you're not some guy. In some ways we've been together, albeit emotionally, for two years now. Some days I feel like you're not important anymore, like I've moved on. And the next I'm lying in bed having realizations that you are the one. Fuck me. 

We bicker, we fight, we make each other cry but we also make each other happy. You make me smile, you make me feel loved, you know me better than I let you believe you do. We are two pieces of a whole. And you're leaving again. 

I saw a stranger walk to the tramstop. Just for that moment, it was me and him. He looked sad, and seemed to be crying. I am sad, and I am crying. It's a fucking cold night and I considered asking if he needed some shelter just for an hour till the tram comes. Then I went back inside and laid next to you.

Tomorrow is our last night. 

I will always love you baby
Even when I've moved on