Thursday, December 20, 2012


I measure my time in Malaysia by the number of visits I've made to Marketplace. It's not the place it used to be (4 years ago when I was 16) but there's honestly no where else to go on a (not really) slutty Saturday night. Somehow this would always be the special place for me. And also because I'm one of those people who are losers deep down in need of the most frivolous of validation.

It's been three weeks now, including a visit to Frangipani (it was closed, but thankfully I bumped into some friends who decided to open bottles in their newly renovated downstairs bar-cafe instead). Week after week I found affirmation in the attention of not-so-eligible men, be it simply due to their looks (I am ashamed, but I seek comfort in a face I can wake up next to everyday without vomiting into my presumably favorite pillow), their education level, their job, their confidence, their age or.. their brains (you'd be surprised the shit some thoroughly educated people can spew, but for modesty's sake it could just be my lack of intelligence instead).

Last week before adjourning to the mamak next door I actually met someone decent. My friends wanted to do one last "round" (like cougars on their last prowls of the night) but I wanted to just sit aside and enjoy my Midori Illusion, so I waited alone. The subtle difference between looking like a friendless lost loser and an eligible individual craving a moment's solitude (besides the eligibility) is the confident (yet friendly), subtle smile, hinting of a wandering mind. I've always thought that I had it down but an approaching stranger begged to differ.

"Why so lonely? You look sad."

And thus began a rather enjoyable conversation, beginning with the explanation that it's my default face (sad eyes, like how the ex said etc) moving onto different fields of conversation.

"I bet many people have told you that you're really cute. So I won't. But you're the kind of adorable I'd love to hug and kiss everyday."

And (although I begged to differ, self-esteem issues *sigh*) of course I reciprocated, telling him he's not so bad himself. And that it wasn't his looks alone, he had the entire package - the confidence, the swagger, the charm. So I fished deeper into the conversation in search of more information - where he lived (by extension what kind of house he lived in, and thus what kind of family he might have), what he was studying... and where he was studying.


"It's a great place, you should come visit."

"I'll bring you around."

He did have the entire package. Of course it had to be London. Of all fucking places.

My friends soon returned and it was time to leave. Before leaving he asked me if he could have my number, and I could feel my friends eyeing me eagerly from behind.

"Perhaps not, I'm not available, emotionally anyway. Still feeling attached to someone." I replied, smiling in the hopes that I wouldn't sound snobbish.

"Maybe next time?" He asked slyly.


Later at the mamak, amidst ignorable chit-chat, I found myself secretly hoping that he would walk pass on his way to the car and say hi again or something, but I guess he parked at the carpark opposite MP instead. On the car ride home my mind replayed the entire episode, wondering if I said the right thing.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012


It's been about three months now. I'm not very sure, I don't really keep track and I find myself avoiding retrospection involving that. The pain has dulled itself out, like how all forest fires eventually burn themselves out, leaving behind only heavy smoke that weighs one down. 

We're still talking, and most of the time it's almost like we're still together, and sometimes I worry if that's healthy, being so close despite no longer being together. But then again I can't resist talking to him, replying him, or settling back into familiar sweet ways. 

I've been going around, hanging out with friends, meeting people, old and new, partying, gymming, sleeping late, playing mahjong etc etc in KL - basically just really bumming around before I head back for summer school. Life's good, though I wish I had better sleeping habits. But my mind often wanders into thoughts of you when I lay down at night. Been taking more sleeping... supplements than I would like myself to have. Gotta stop that.

Sent him a text on Whatsapp celebrating the insignificant 12/12/12 date. I really wanted to say more but what's the point. 

I miss you