Thursday, January 26, 2017

Are You Looking At Me From Behind Your Opaque Glass?

Time has gone by.

I know that I am not the person I once was because of my lack of specificity. No longer do I keep the tiniest details on my retrospective speed dial, no longer am I able to put my finger on exact moments. Here I am, trying to recall the precise number of months since our ephemeral narrative came to a close. Here I am, not remembering.

There is a curious kind of heaviness on my chest. Am I mourning the passing of the person I was? Am I a different K, maybe a stronger one, who does not feel the need to cry at the thought of forgetting something so trivial? It is different from what I'm used to, and I don't know how to feel.  

We and two others sat on four sides of a square table. It was as merry as a weeknight could responsibly be, and I really appreciated that you took an Uber out to join us. To join me. Singleton in hand, you offered me a space cake. I declined. Sober K kind of hates Stoner K.

The drinking games came to a close. The girls started talking, SSS (bestie) was having a hard time with SS (her ex). With my phone dead and nothing to distract myself with, I became almost painfully aware of your existence. Next to me. Glancing. Twitching.

Only there it didn't hurt. It wasn't pain. It was a nothingness, threatening to expand into everything. It was like having anaesthesia imposed on my feelings by an already numb person.

We were no longer together, regardless of whatever feelings run beneath. But it was so reminiscent of how it felt to be with you that I shivered. Maybe it was because I've been feeling so full of wholesome love lately, but it spooked me, how empty your affection felt.

As opposed to my headfirst, deep-dive approach to love, most people would think that your slight-distancing mode of choice is more appropriate and culturally "cool".

That was my chilling realisation that fitting into your world meant accepting numbness and hollowness as the norm. It finally made sense, how you never tried but always effortlessly fit in with the cool kids. Because being cool meant feigning casual nonchalance (which is the opposite of me). Only you're not faking.

I've always thought that you had a wall up, but it just never seemed exactly right. Tonight it dawned on me that although there was a wall, it was not between us. It was between you and yourself.

So yes, what you said all those unspecified months ago was right.

I want more.