2013

I made it. That incident is now officially 4 years ago, and while life was once so derailed I have to admit that it's been pretty good the last few years. 2012 was amazing, and as it became obvious that while life got no easier, the way that I perceive it has changed. It's a good thing.

Thinking back onto the number of new year posts written since I've started blogging (since 2006 - a staggering 6 years ago wtf) I can't help to gag a bit at my propensity to write long-ass monologues, so I'm going to keep it simple this year: just resolutions.

1) Not to fuck shit up at Uni
(to continue to do well with my studies) and get into honors hopefully, gotta keep those H1's (my Uni's highest attainable grade la) coming.

2) To be sexy as fuck naked
..My body's at a good place right now and I'm supposed to be doing a "test" photoshoot for my friend. But I know too well how temporary this state can be and... I vow to maintain it and not give in to temptation too much.

3) To keep family ties..tied
My relationship with my parents and every fucking person who matters have been good. Let's just hope this goes on.

4) To have fun and to always use a condom
Like usual la, I always use a condom anyway but let's just keep it up.

5) To be happy
Self-explanatory.

"How are you?"

Inevitably in every conversation, this question pops up. When I was younger I used to make it a point to not give a boring answer. I cringed and rolled my eyes if they replied with shitty, routine answers (ie; "im ok", "good. u?"). I would even accept "could be better if I could have your sexy ass" as an answer (and my answer would depend on your... eligibility). What I couldn't tolerate most were people who give boring answers, which would irrevocably lead to a death in chemistry. Your body how hot also no use lar!

Ok, admittedly that last line was a lie. I would probably keep the chemistry going for a longer time, increasing in a linear fashion (learnt this while writing my psych lab reports woohoo I can has sounding smart!) according to the amount of abs you have. But we would eventuate into nothingness in the end anyway, since even back then I was never THAT shallow to keep afloat what was only supported by purely superficial means. (And when I say eventuate into nothingness I meant hot guy and me in bed eventuating into my..nothingness.)

When asked how I was, I gave a frank (and usually TMI) answer of what I was really feeling. Not to everyone, of course, I give the ones I don't want around the boring answers I despise (but they seem to stay anyway), but to those I wanted to build something more than "nothingness" with. 

So that meant that that simple (so many thats, cool right?), asked-out-of-obligation question was reciprocated with long-ass, overly-dramatic answers. The kind that involves every exboyfriend gathering and making out with each other and then spiking drinks and stabbing this back and that guy's back and getting cheated on and being played and your dog dying. Only two out of em' all actually happened btw. It's 6am I'm allowed to make shit up.

But that was then, and this is now. I guess I have grown up. (Or jaded, one or the other.)

"Oh, I'm good. Yourself?"

Built This Way

I first heard this song in 04, when I was 12, while watching Mean Girls (Lindsay Lohan's peak!). But hearing this song never fails to bring me back to when I was 14 and it felt like it was me against the world.

Go find the lyrics. I'm sure we all can relate.

And I wonder if I'm just built this way;

cause everyone just makes me feel like I'm too blame

Just Like A Whirlwind

'So are we together?'

'Aren't we?'

'But you never officially asked me also'

'Kayson, would you be my boyfriend?'

Your arms, they were so warm. They wrapped around me, as your lips made contact with my cheeks. Your legs, they intertwined with mine. It was worth it, feeling so cold, just to have that satisfaction when you press yours against mine. Your fingers, playing with my hair and all the trouble I went through styling it. I didn't mind <3

There are many moments in life that imprint themselves on our hearts, without us knowing. This is one of those moments, that I know I will find myself immersed in nostalgia over years from now.

And when that memory creeps up on me, I will remember, that there was a time when we were so effortlessly compatible. There was a moment in time, when I thought that wow, we really were perfect together.
And when that memory finishes playing, I'll run through the entire episode inside my head, again and again, wondering if things could be different, wondering if I could've made a better choice, wondering if the entire episode, whether it really happened. And then I'll remember, how you lost me.

I don't think I've ever gave up this easily. I don't think I've ever been so distrusting, or so faithless. But this is me, the results of all the tears and shits that I've grown through. And at most, all I can do is apologize for scars I bear.

And at the end of the day, the best we can hope for is that we've got good memories, like this, that last us a life time. Because I absolutely believe in this one fact.




Nothing lasts forever.

Questions

X is returning to the UK to pursue his PHD in London this Sunday. I'll be attempting to let go and move on, and ideally go on with my dreams of living the apartment-car-blackberry-clubbing-hotness lifestyle in Melbourne, and find another guy of my dreams to screw with. And being lonely and cold in a foreign land, I would fall in love easily and everything would be so bright and dandy. I hope.

But I would only wanna stay in Melbourne, and not some other random kampong area place. And the only place that offers the course I want is Melbourne U, but what if I don't get in? The alternative is Monash, and we all know Monash is over-commercialized now. I mean really, at the end of the day your degrees are all the same, the only difference is where you got it from right? Imagine you having to tell people, 'I was from Monash. Oh, the Australia one, not the Malaysia one'.

So if I can't get into Melbourne U, the second plan is to head to UCL in London. UCL, where Inception was 'brainchilded' from, where they even filmed at, where X is.

Wouldn't it be perfect, if I was there, with X? The reason X has always given me, prior to his affair with N was that, the distance would tear us apart. And just yesterday he told me that that was the reason he gave up on pursuing me.

I wanted to ask. I wanted to know. But I'm so scared, so afraid to know the answer.

Would it be stupid or immature to say that, I still don't wanna move on?

How did I fall in love with you so?

What if I were where you were, and distance was not a problem. What if you got over N, and could happily stay in my apartment. What if we could sleep together every night, and nobody had to know.

Would you still pick me?

Or has the novelty of me, resolved itself?

Torn

So I went straight clubbing yesterday, the only way every other horny hormonized teenager could possibly celebrate national day with. It's been a year and a half since I last went into a straight club, and it was so crowded. We had two bottles, among 12 of us, classmates and coursemates.

It was good.

It's been a while since I've wrote here, but every time I get the urge to write, it's of you. And I can't help but sigh to myself, not another emo post like that.

But here I am.

And there you go.

Hungover is Just Drunk After Awakening

Remember when I was the cute guy you were stalking on facebook?

Remember when you had a crush on me?

Remember how fate intertwined us in such a coincidental way?

Remember that guy who had a crush on me, who had a crush on you, four years back?

Remember when we went out for the first time?

Remember our first phone call?

Remember the elevator we kissed in the first time?

Remember the first time you came to my room?

Remember the first time you introduced me as your boyfriend?

Remember our bottles of McCallans?

Remember the first time we Frangi-ed?

Remember the nights you stayed over?

Remember at which exact moment Alexis became our place?

Remember the first time you got pissed at me?

Remember the repeat encounters that made that elevator 'the elevator of chance'?

Remember the hugs and kisses we shared?

Remember our car rides home?

Remember our voluntary participation in jams?

Remember our tears shed?

Remember how I can't forget that smell of your car?

Remember that last parting kiss?

...because I remember and miss you everyday.

So much more to remember. So much easier to remember high.

Random Thoughts During Exam Season

I have this theory, that the happiness of my general mood throughout the week is directly proportional to the number of guys who ask for my number while clubbing.

Or perhaps it's really more proportional to the number of guys I make out with. But I wouldn't wanna sound like a slut now, do I.

Hmm.