As I Close My Eyes

Embracing the sounds that fill my ears, of melodies crafted from memories and lyrics formed in desperation, I sat in silence.

A succession of songs from this particular forbidden folder left me shaken and ever so slightly wrecked. Nostalgia can bring with it two contrasting sides of feelings, but I wasn't in between. I was stretched to both ends. I was smiling with the tears in my eyes.

As I close my eyes, a pictures blurs into mind. It's amazing how familiar a place I've only been to once can make me feel. Perhaps I associated it with you?

* * *

The sun was red, preparing to set. I walked out of that friend's house, into the back of your Myvi as you took the driver's seat, said friend next to you. Said friend had no clue of our 'relationship', if we would call it so. You sneaked a glance at me, through the rear view mirror. Meeting my eyes, you gave me that familiar warm smile that you did whenever you saw me. I looked away and gave a snide looking smirk.

Avoiding suspicion, you start chatting animatedly with your friend about how the weather might be a little chilly (true enough I had a fever later), followed by a video you guys uploaded to youtube, of you both playing the piano and violin respectively to a Jay Chou song by ear. You asked for my bitchy input on that bitch who insisted the both of you read the scores, which I happily gave (fucking jealous cibai!) without so much as a glance at you.

When you finally started the car, I turned to look at the back of your head, being sure that you would concentrate on driving and not look back. I decided to remember how you looked like from behind, as I did with the front, in silence, as your head bobbed up and down with the craggy roads of Muar, in sync with whatever it was you both were talking about now.

Again our eyes met, in the rear view mirror, in between bits of music related conversation. I bit my lip, to suppress a smile I could not contain, as we drove off into the sunset.

* * *

Out of all the songs we wrote, there's this one that still makes me cry. What can I say? You were almost two years of my life.

I tried to write a song for you

so that you could sing-a-long too

with my paper and my pen

pillow by my side, I was about to begin

and I wrote words on a piece of paper

these were things I would've told you later

lyrics from the bottom of my heart

but guess what?

you've torn it apart

stab me once, hurt me twice

and I don't

think you can just apologize

and I know you'll cry as you

arrange this song

just like me I know that you'd

feel so wrong

and maybe

someday I can finally say

that it's okay

it has faded away...

p/s: written ages ago, before I originally shut this blog down. Posting it now, cause I feel the same nostalgia.

Never Forget

"This is how it works/ You're young until you're not/ You love until you don't/ You try until you can't/ You laugh until you cry/ You cry until you laugh/ And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."

-Regina Spektor

* * *

Turns out moving on doesn't get me very far, blogging wise.

Yes, I'm back.

Goodbye

This is me moving on with life.

................ :*)

You Made Me Feel Like I'm Livin' A Teenage Dream

So it was another regular, trainwrecking Saturday night. I went with your friend, and we had heart to heart talks in the car. We got ourselves the entry stamp, and did our routine of rushing back out to the car in the rain. We sat down, him sitting on your seat, and laying on where your head once laid. I took out our wine, and watched as he drank from your glass.

And we danced. He somehow planted a sneaky kiss on my neck, and followed with another on my cheeks, and then lips. He said that they're soft and so nice to connect to. I found comfort just laying in his arms, head on his chest. It's been so long since I last felt warm hands on my waist. It makes me think of the last time you held me in your arms.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

Cause today,

That was yesterday,

Yesterday is over,

It's a different day,

Sounds like a broken record,

Playin' over

Ridiculous

**This is not crap related to love or sex. This is to prove that I have life outside of failed romances and raunchy hookups.

So a while back, after performing in my college's acoustic night(with only a horrendous guitarist as background who insists on singing despite it being so completely off-key), aA friend of mine informed me about the prom auditions.

(Digressing, how horrendous could a guitarist be? He's 18 now, and has learned guitar since he was 12. And these are literally things I told him - 'If you forget the chord then skip it completely it's okay' and 'If you play the wrong chord just continue playing and don't stop, I'm loud enough to cover it'. How the fuck can he still screw up, if I covered forgetting and playing the wrong chords? He went SUPER FAST. But we still got an applause la. ;D )

So supposedly, I asked two of my classmates if they wanted to go for it. They said okay, and so we decided on Boyslikegirls' 'Love Drunk' and LeeHom's 'Kiss Goodbye'. So well, we are busy people, and the only practice we had were that 30 minutes before the auditions? So we couldn't change songs. And as one of our classmates quit cause she decided she won't be around for prom, 'Love Drunk' was a bitch to sing. Because the guitarist(different one) so blatantly refused to sing. I know, should've just played the song slower, but then it loses its omphhh.

So anyway, I thought we did okay despite the lack of practice and preparations. But my friend was like, 'I dunno leh'.

So fast forward weeks later and I still have yet to receive an email from the person in charge. She has, however, emailed me about my program's T-shirts and class pages and whatnot. I was like, so embarrassed can? I sung my heart out on both the songs! And when you sing your heart out, so loud that even those outside the auditorium heard you, only to realize you suck, that just really sucks, doesn't it ;(.

Because of the shame, I try to avoid the people in charge, and the other people around when I was auditioning, or those who knew I was auditioning for prom's performances and would ask. I would pretend to be talking on the phone and just walk on by.

Today, on a class outing, a friend inevitably asked about the auditions. I knew I was gonna have to face this...disgrace eventually anyway. A million things ran through my head, alternatives on what to say or how to face this shame with the most glam and dignity that could be mustered.

Then the said guitarist said, 'Yea we got through.'

KNNCCBOMGBBQ!!!!!

Apparently they emailed him, and he forgot to tell me about it. So yeah, all those days of avoiding random people cause of the shame totally wasted. Damnit.

But haha, quite happy now lah. But we have to show them what we've got next Friday, right after five days of trials. :|

But yay!

Just Like A Whirlwind

'So are we together?'

'Aren't we?'

'But you never officially asked me also'

'Kayson, would you be my boyfriend?'

Your arms, they were so warm. They wrapped around me, as your lips made contact with my cheeks. Your legs, they intertwined with mine. It was worth it, feeling so cold, just to have that satisfaction when you press yours against mine. Your fingers, playing with my hair and all the trouble I went through styling it. I didn't mind <3

There are many moments in life that imprint themselves on our hearts, without us knowing. This is one of those moments, that I know I will find myself immersed in nostalgia over years from now.

And when that memory creeps up on me, I will remember, that there was a time when we were so effortlessly compatible. There was a moment in time, when I thought that wow, we really were perfect together.
And when that memory finishes playing, I'll run through the entire episode inside my head, again and again, wondering if things could be different, wondering if I could've made a better choice, wondering if the entire episode, whether it really happened. And then I'll remember, how you lost me.

I don't think I've ever gave up this easily. I don't think I've ever been so distrusting, or so faithless. But this is me, the results of all the tears and shits that I've grown through. And at most, all I can do is apologize for scars I bear.

And at the end of the day, the best we can hope for is that we've got good memories, like this, that last us a life time. Because I absolutely believe in this one fact.




Nothing lasts forever.

'Quit him like you'd quit cigarettes'

But I've never smoked.

And he is not cigarettes.

Is he?

There Was A Time When You Were So Damn Easy To Love

I don't know why, or how every single time we get start talking about shits of reasonable depth I get so pissed off. This deep-seated anger never seems to subside. Countless sorries have been said and tears come and gone, so why are we still back at square one?

Yes, I'm asking you. I know you're reading. I don't know any other way to go into this subject and not feel so pissed off.

This is not about X. This is about me, and the Ex, and our issues. One day later, I'm still seething.

Moving on.

Unwritten

The Ex found this blog.

How now, brown cow?

Now You're Gone

Looking above as I always do, whenever I'm with you, the skies are dark. I make a mental note to ask if anyone else notices that stars hardly ever shine anymore. I wonder if it's a bad omen, but regardless I still walk to your car and sit myself in that front seat I've grown accustomed to.

And we talked.

I beamed when you told me to stay for another ten minutes. It was a rare thing. I told you repeatedly, through the ever pouring tears, that I was going to be alright. I wanted to be alright, and I wanted you to see that I was as happy as I could be at how we worked out. I hope you saw that through my wet eyes.

Eventually, I handed you the letter. We shared a hug that I still feel till today, and locked our lips to be intertwined in such an emotional kiss that lingers until this very moment. I'm sorry if I was rough, cause you know, you usually do most the work, while I just compliment our kisses gently. But that night, I was compensating for the lack of practice with passion.

Before I left, I looked at your face, memorized those eyes and ran my hand over the contours of your face, for the one last time, to be crystallized in my heart(I won't say forever), and took one last whiff of your car and its overpowering scent.

I'm glad I can still make you tear after all this while. And no, you're not the type that keeps letters.

So..thank you for keeping mine.

I love you. And I'll be moving along. Perhaps someday we'll meet again. But until then, thanks for the memories <3

With love.

K

The Letter

Dear X,

I have no idea if you are the type that keeps these letters or not. But in case some things don't come out right when I speak with you later, I'll say it here.

Thanks for everything. I know I've been such a burden, and I hope you really do still care for me, rather than just feeling the afterglow of leftover concern.

When you're in the UK, there'll come a time when you're really tired of all the studying/assignments/exams, but you'd have the urge to just party anyway. Once in a while, please choose to stay in! Also, every time you pick up alcohol, please note that with every sip you're that much closer to liver failure!! Drink less!

We've always enjoyed the times together. Not recently though, and I know you hate all these emotional confrontations that end with tears/annoyance. Remember us for the past, and not this rocky month please?

I'm not at my best. It's a rough patch. I will be great again, that happy, fun (&skinny&cute) Kayson you first liked. Please don't bring anyone else to BSC's Alexis okay! This I don't care. That is OUR place!

If I do end up at UK next year, assuming you get over N, please give me a chance? >.<"

In or out of love, there'll always be a place for you in my heart =) But until I'm out of love (which might take a while), I'll tell you this - I love you!

Goodbye. Take care. I'm going on diet =P Don't need to miss me, but please remember who I am, and the nights that we've shared, days that we've had, and moments that we...felt.

With Love,

Kayson

Questions

X is returning to the UK to pursue his PHD in London this Sunday. I'll be attempting to let go and move on, and ideally go on with my dreams of living the apartment-car-blackberry-clubbing-hotness lifestyle in Melbourne, and find another guy of my dreams to screw with. And being lonely and cold in a foreign land, I would fall in love easily and everything would be so bright and dandy. I hope.

But I would only wanna stay in Melbourne, and not some other random kampong area place. And the only place that offers the course I want is Melbourne U, but what if I don't get in? The alternative is Monash, and we all know Monash is over-commercialized now. I mean really, at the end of the day your degrees are all the same, the only difference is where you got it from right? Imagine you having to tell people, 'I was from Monash. Oh, the Australia one, not the Malaysia one'.

So if I can't get into Melbourne U, the second plan is to head to UCL in London. UCL, where Inception was 'brainchilded' from, where they even filmed at, where X is.

Wouldn't it be perfect, if I was there, with X? The reason X has always given me, prior to his affair with N was that, the distance would tear us apart. And just yesterday he told me that that was the reason he gave up on pursuing me.

I wanted to ask. I wanted to know. But I'm so scared, so afraid to know the answer.

Would it be stupid or immature to say that, I still don't wanna move on?

How did I fall in love with you so?

What if I were where you were, and distance was not a problem. What if you got over N, and could happily stay in my apartment. What if we could sleep together every night, and nobody had to know.

Would you still pick me?

Or has the novelty of me, resolved itself?

Torn

So I went straight clubbing yesterday, the only way every other horny hormonized teenager could possibly celebrate national day with. It's been a year and a half since I last went into a straight club, and it was so crowded. We had two bottles, among 12 of us, classmates and coursemates.

It was good.

It's been a while since I've wrote here, but every time I get the urge to write, it's of you. And I can't help but sigh to myself, not another emo post like that.

But here I am.

And there you go.

Hurt

Jaze is someone I'd remember since forever. When I was hitting 15, he chased me, to no end. He asked for my number, and I did give it to him, despite him being slightly chubbier then ideal. Because well, I remember talking to him, and falling for one quality that I would not realize matter until a year and a half later - depth.

He never called, and I was to meet him almost two years later, when he lost weight and became quite the hottie in my eyes (though friends still say he CannotMakeIt). He was no longer interested in me, and moved on with life.

A year ago, out of my desperate pullings we had a short fling type of thing, the kind you have when you're stuck together for a round at the club, and I stayed stuck for quite a while. I learnt that he thought I wasn't taking him seriously, when I was trying to play hard to get.

Today, he is dating someone named Melv. I am ever jealous.

* * *

Aerick is someone I dated an entire year back. He was one of those steady type, muscular, masculine with no self-esteem issues(which can be such a turn off!). He asked me out for dates, and was direct in his sexual insinuations('I'd give you a big wet kiss and fit my tongue like a finger down your..etc).

We went for quite a few dates, mostly at Pavillion. Pavillion was once place I'd act as gay as I could, cause no one would recognize me there anyway. It wasn't a place I frequented, and I daresay most the time I went there was with him.

He'd never allow me pay for anything. I resisted, of course, and I wasn't pretending. Because I knew it wouldn't matter, he would somehow pay for everything anyway. And as superficial as it sounds, I liked him because of that.

I was the monkey and he was the cow. And somehow, that made a good combination.

But he told me, when I was ready, that he wasn't. And two months later, I found him becoming Tarzan for another monkey.

* * *

Refer to the previous emo posts, most specifically this.

I hardly ever bothered you. I put so much effort to just let you live life without the interference of me. You told me to let you know if I was going to MP. I let you know, and before I could even ask for a lift, since you were going Zouk anyway, you just burst at me.

Why. Have I become such a bother.

* * *

My dear ex, weren't we happy. Weren't we perfect. Why did you care what they said so.

Show me the way, show me show me how;

Help me be brave, for love.

The Things I Can No Longer Tell You

..not because I don't want to. But I'm afraid it'd only make you feel guilty. So here I am.

So it's been a busy week. Presentations, exams, one after the other. But I got through it, and the usual rompy Tuesday brought about a rather different outcome. Because I'll always get through it, because my life is always good.

You're like that distant memory, definitely hidden from the surface, but you creep up ever so often, and every time you do I make that extra effort to push you back into that little box I've confined you in inside my mind.

My heart, is a different matter altogether.

* * *

So Tuesday, as usual, was a trip to the gym followed by a swim at the usual pool. Of course, swimming isn't the only prerogative whenever such a place is visited. I wasn't horny, but I found myself driving there regardless. I hope I'm not becoming somewhat of an addict.

Tired as I was, both physically and emotionally, I just sat there in the locker room, too lazy to change out of my speedos, too drained to react to any suggestive glances and hand signals my way. Then this rather attractive guy, with a slightly above average muscular, swimmer's body sat in front of me. And there we sat, him facing the wall, me facing his..sexy back.

He was drinking some sort of red energy drink(which I later learnt, is Ribena), and soon he stood up, put his towel on and removed his speedos. I looked, and I our eyes met a couple of times, until he finally smiled at me. Eventually, we both just changed and walked out of the changing room, and out of the complex entirely. He offered to drive me to my car.

We made out, and my he is a good kisser. I spoke to him in Chinese, cause that was what was written on his face. The Chinese look, and he had that accent that only people who primarily speak in Chinese have, the accent untainted by the west. (Turns out he speaks perfect English too, and no we did not fuck.)

After an incident where this guy I hooked up with in the bathroom kept stalking me, insisting how in love he is with me after just one encounter, I've made a decision to not give them my number or name or whatsoever that might allow them to contact me. But this guy, he made me feel so comfortable, even through just talking. Eventually, we exchanged numbers and he messaged me as soon as I got home, adding me on msn and Facebook.

Today, we went for a swim together, at somewhere different. It was so quite, and the moon was quite a sight. Completely round, and shining brightly - just like how I used to feel. Cause sadly, I told him what X told me before all the feelings came up.

'I'm not looking for a relationship here.'

His name is Cedric. And I miss you.

All I Asked For Was Ten Minutes

Melancholic or ecstatic, broken or perfect, sick or healthy, I'm always in the mood for just ten minutes of you.

I think, I'm cruising tomorrow. Gonna screw with some random hot swimmer dude. Horny is a good, temporary, emotional substitute.

And of course I play safe. I'm broken, not stupid.

Hungover is Just Drunk After Awakening

Remember when I was the cute guy you were stalking on facebook?

Remember when you had a crush on me?

Remember how fate intertwined us in such a coincidental way?

Remember that guy who had a crush on me, who had a crush on you, four years back?

Remember when we went out for the first time?

Remember our first phone call?

Remember the elevator we kissed in the first time?

Remember the first time you came to my room?

Remember the first time you introduced me as your boyfriend?

Remember our bottles of McCallans?

Remember the first time we Frangi-ed?

Remember the nights you stayed over?

Remember at which exact moment Alexis became our place?

Remember the first time you got pissed at me?

Remember the repeat encounters that made that elevator 'the elevator of chance'?

Remember the hugs and kisses we shared?

Remember our car rides home?

Remember our voluntary participation in jams?

Remember our tears shed?

Remember how I can't forget that smell of your car?

Remember that last parting kiss?

...because I remember and miss you everyday.

So much more to remember. So much easier to remember high.

Uh Oh Uh Oh

My law lecturer and I were shisha-ing(not something I do often) while chatting, after the rest of the class went home. He says I've got lots of pent up emotions. He confronted me about being gay.

Damn straight he's cool.

The Sexapade Escape

Busy day two days back. Went to jog, then to gym, then proceeded to swim. No surprise, the amount of eye candies were insane, even at 8 o clock at night. One in particular, caught my eye, due to his white swimming cap and sexy white trunks.

I'm not really one for the direct approach. So I just walked two lanes down, and swam. Soon, I found this white cap dude coming closer and close until he was in the lane right next to mind. I swam to the other end, and took deep breaths underwater. Suddenly, he was next to me, and sneaked a touch or two at me. I walked to the locker room.

Perhaps he chickened out. But this other equally attractive dude(who didn't catch my attention due to his lack of white trunks!) intercepted the signals in the air. And so, there was no more for descriptive writing.

It hurt, but not as much as I hurt inside.

'You're so sexy'

Gave a dimpled smile in reply, and walked out of the cubicle. Got into the car that reeks of you and your antics, and drove home.

Another busy day. Yet you never fail to creep into my mind.

This is the last escape I have from you.

I'll Say It Now

I can't put my finger down on the exact moment that caused this to occur, but I'd imagine it'd be the result of silence snowballed. Perhaps it was from the start, when you said long distance relationships would never work and I agreed because at that time I believed so. Perhaps it was that moment when I accidentally ended the call before I could clearly hear you say it accidentally for the first time. Perhaps it was because we actually started caring for each other, yet we were too afraid that saying it would actually mean it was happening?

I love you.

I'm not afraid anymore, and I'm going to say it. I'm going to tell you how much I love you, how I cry just thinking of you, how I'd love you even if you were ugly(I'm pretty sure, I asked myself this already), how I'd love you even if you failed everything, how I'd love you even if you lost a leg, gotten a disease, or the like.

I love you.

And I think you love me too, and I''ve said it, and maybe you might've realized it then and there, or maybe you might realize it later. Or maybe you might've already realized it but you've been keeping yourself protected. But I will bring it up again, and I know it's not right, for me to make you hurt and become more confused between me and N, but I will.

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems,

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano,

All I know is,

I love you too much to walkaway

**republished.

Random Thoughts During Exam Season

I have this theory, that the happiness of my general mood throughout the week is directly proportional to the number of guys who ask for my number while clubbing.

Or perhaps it's really more proportional to the number of guys I make out with. But I wouldn't wanna sound like a slut now, do I.

Hmm.

I Love You

It's a complicated, melancholic story. Perhaps it's because I'm a melancholic person. Despite my happy life, I'm actually melancholic by nature. But I've learned how to be happy, by appreciating the things I have and being thankful for the things I don't. After a while, over the years, it became second nature to me, and it took very little effort.

But I'm just too tired to try recently. Tonight I'm broken, and despite us both crying in the car once again, I wonder if you cried cause you loved me.

A lot of shit to write, but fuck it. Long story short, it's complicated.

I had sex on Tuesday. I went cruising, attracted a whole lot of attention, and followed someone home. It hurt quite a bit at first, but that's okay cause I liked the pain, I can relate to it. It was the first time sex was so casual for me, completely without emotional attachments. It was the first time I didn't even know his name.

I guess I just needed to not feel shit all the time.

Oh and I said it, I love you.

Do Tears Form Before You Yawn?

Because I think you just teared for me <3


:*)

Love The Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there

and watch me burn

but that's alright

because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there

and hear me cry

but that's alright

because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

This song, it tears me up every time. It reminds me of you, because it's your song for him. And though it hurts so bad every time, I love that song. I listen to it, obsessively on end. And every time I listen, I cry a little bit more.

You know how Eminem raps? It's quite the bullet train, and more often then not you won't actually catch the lyrics till you've listened to the track loadsa times. And so, yesterday was the day I actually paid attention to the lyrics. I imagined you saying every single word to him.

And it hurt, the parts where you are hurt hurts me, but worst of all, when I finally actually listened to the sentences surrounding the word 'love'. It was as if behind these eyes laid a cracked dam, and the dam it finally broke.

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breath
When you're with them

But today, I'm less depressed. Today, I have a plan. And I'll go down fighting, with no regrets.

All I know is,
I love you too much to walkaway

I'll never forget the day I turned to horoscopes, because I didn't know what else to do, because I didn't know what to do with you

I've never believed in horoscopes. I still don't, but nothing else guides me on what I should do.

I Cannot

I cannot look at these stars so bright
I cannot taste this bottle of Mccallan's
I cannot walk around this mall anymore

I cannot brave these lonely nights
I just can't remember those million moments
When we were intertwined or so I thought, before my heart it felt so sore

I cannot roll around in this bed
I cannot dance in that club like a slut
I cannot smell that car again

I cannot lie drunk and half dead
waiting for you to save me once more
waiting for you to kiss me like before

For now we're still fine
waiting for that temporary high
but tiring it gets
then come these regrets
come a day we'll be gone
come a day I'll move on

I cannot bear to look at that face
I cannot pretend I won't cry
I cannot ignore that one place
I cannot forget those kind eyes

But mostly..I cannot forget you.

I love you everyday, but I need to love myself more.

The Day You Said Goodbye

K :When you kiss me, sometimes I imagine you imagining his face over mine
X :No, never, you're you, and he's him
K :He's still there isn't he, in your heart
X :He's still here

Thank god there was still sufficient residual alcohol flowing in my veins. Blocking out these words are a lot easier when I have trouble recalling them, but they still come back, piece by piece, to haunt me in timely doses.

I remember as we stayed in the car, for so much longer then was necessary. From one spot to another, while the dogs barked at us, while I held the tears back - for the first time, your kiss could not make things better.

It should have been the longest of moments, but there I was, still enjoying your company, despite how torturous it was for my emotions, time still sped by like every other time we're together.

You told me, that you don't know your feelings for me. You know that you really care, and I think you just like kissing me and hugging me. Could it be that you actually do love me back, but you're denying those feelings because you've gotta once again fly away in a months time?

We've been playing this game for 9 months now. We've came so deep, but I guess I just can't compete with a housemate, a uni mate, a sex mate, a vacation mate of 3 years.

What you said after, it was as good as goodbye.

The Last Night Of My Life

Tears flooded these eyes of mine, as the mere thought that it wasn't real overwhelms me. I don't care if you're mine, if you're with me, if I'm yours or otherwise. The one thing I cannot take, is if everything we've shared, everything you've told me, is a lie.

I have an image of you in my mind. You're a great person, a great guy. People have always tried to make me doubt you, and you know that. Every single time, I stand up for you, and check with you later. I'm allowed to be insecure, and I thank you for your reassurance.

So I cried my tear ducts dry last night. I'm glad we're still great.

I have no idea what's gonna happen to us.

And this is the last night of my life.

Six Without Too Much Trouble, This Paradox Breaks Past Dreams To Rubble

As I climbed that brick wall that was the front parameter of my home, I looked up and found a big, bright, round moon. It was hauntingly beautiful, so unforgettable that I was sure I had seen it before, somewhere on the cover of a book.

I looked out towards that main road and squinted, hoping to see further than what limited vision my eyes allowed, before realizing how tired my eyes were. It was, after all 4 in the morning.

If you've figured out what my title suggests, then congratulations! For realizing the truth - that I am becoming what I once thought I'd never become.

Goodnight, world.