The Things I Can No Longer Tell You

..not because I don't want to. But I'm afraid it'd only make you feel guilty. So here I am.

So it's been a busy week. Presentations, exams, one after the other. But I got through it, and the usual rompy Tuesday brought about a rather different outcome. Because I'll always get through it, because my life is always good.

You're like that distant memory, definitely hidden from the surface, but you creep up ever so often, and every time you do I make that extra effort to push you back into that little box I've confined you in inside my mind.

My heart, is a different matter altogether.

* * *

So Tuesday, as usual, was a trip to the gym followed by a swim at the usual pool. Of course, swimming isn't the only prerogative whenever such a place is visited. I wasn't horny, but I found myself driving there regardless. I hope I'm not becoming somewhat of an addict.

Tired as I was, both physically and emotionally, I just sat there in the locker room, too lazy to change out of my speedos, too drained to react to any suggestive glances and hand signals my way. Then this rather attractive guy, with a slightly above average muscular, swimmer's body sat in front of me. And there we sat, him facing the wall, me facing his..sexy back.

He was drinking some sort of red energy drink(which I later learnt, is Ribena), and soon he stood up, put his towel on and removed his speedos. I looked, and I our eyes met a couple of times, until he finally smiled at me. Eventually, we both just changed and walked out of the changing room, and out of the complex entirely. He offered to drive me to my car.

We made out, and my he is a good kisser. I spoke to him in Chinese, cause that was what was written on his face. The Chinese look, and he had that accent that only people who primarily speak in Chinese have, the accent untainted by the west. (Turns out he speaks perfect English too, and no we did not fuck.)

After an incident where this guy I hooked up with in the bathroom kept stalking me, insisting how in love he is with me after just one encounter, I've made a decision to not give them my number or name or whatsoever that might allow them to contact me. But this guy, he made me feel so comfortable, even through just talking. Eventually, we exchanged numbers and he messaged me as soon as I got home, adding me on msn and Facebook.

Today, we went for a swim together, at somewhere different. It was so quite, and the moon was quite a sight. Completely round, and shining brightly - just like how I used to feel. Cause sadly, I told him what X told me before all the feelings came up.

'I'm not looking for a relationship here.'

His name is Cedric. And I miss you.

The Sexapade Escape

Busy day two days back. Went to jog, then to gym, then proceeded to swim. No surprise, the amount of eye candies were insane, even at 8 o clock at night. One in particular, caught my eye, due to his white swimming cap and sexy white trunks.

I'm not really one for the direct approach. So I just walked two lanes down, and swam. Soon, I found this white cap dude coming closer and close until he was in the lane right next to mind. I swam to the other end, and took deep breaths underwater. Suddenly, he was next to me, and sneaked a touch or two at me. I walked to the locker room.

Perhaps he chickened out. But this other equally attractive dude(who didn't catch my attention due to his lack of white trunks!) intercepted the signals in the air. And so, there was no more for descriptive writing.

It hurt, but not as much as I hurt inside.

'You're so sexy'

Gave a dimpled smile in reply, and walked out of the cubicle. Got into the car that reeks of you and your antics, and drove home.

Another busy day. Yet you never fail to creep into my mind.

This is the last escape I have from you.

I Love You

It's a complicated, melancholic story. Perhaps it's because I'm a melancholic person. Despite my happy life, I'm actually melancholic by nature. But I've learned how to be happy, by appreciating the things I have and being thankful for the things I don't. After a while, over the years, it became second nature to me, and it took very little effort.

But I'm just too tired to try recently. Tonight I'm broken, and despite us both crying in the car once again, I wonder if you cried cause you loved me.

A lot of shit to write, but fuck it. Long story short, it's complicated.

I had sex on Tuesday. I went cruising, attracted a whole lot of attention, and followed someone home. It hurt quite a bit at first, but that's okay cause I liked the pain, I can relate to it. It was the first time sex was so casual for me, completely without emotional attachments. It was the first time I didn't even know his name.

I guess I just needed to not feel shit all the time.

Oh and I said it, I love you.

Six Without Too Much Trouble, This Paradox Breaks Past Dreams To Rubble

As I climbed that brick wall that was the front parameter of my home, I looked up and found a big, bright, round moon. It was hauntingly beautiful, so unforgettable that I was sure I had seen it before, somewhere on the cover of a book.

I looked out towards that main road and squinted, hoping to see further than what limited vision my eyes allowed, before realizing how tired my eyes were. It was, after all 4 in the morning.

If you've figured out what my title suggests, then congratulations! For realizing the truth - that I am becoming what I once thought I'd never become.

Goodnight, world.