Torn

So I went straight clubbing yesterday, the only way every other horny hormonized teenager could possibly celebrate national day with. It's been a year and a half since I last went into a straight club, and it was so crowded. We had two bottles, among 12 of us, classmates and coursemates.

It was good.

It's been a while since I've wrote here, but every time I get the urge to write, it's of you. And I can't help but sigh to myself, not another emo post like that.

But here I am.

And there you go.

Hurt

Jaze is someone I'd remember since forever. When I was hitting 15, he chased me, to no end. He asked for my number, and I did give it to him, despite him being slightly chubbier then ideal. Because well, I remember talking to him, and falling for one quality that I would not realize matter until a year and a half later - depth.

He never called, and I was to meet him almost two years later, when he lost weight and became quite the hottie in my eyes (though friends still say he CannotMakeIt). He was no longer interested in me, and moved on with life.

A year ago, out of my desperate pullings we had a short fling type of thing, the kind you have when you're stuck together for a round at the club, and I stayed stuck for quite a while. I learnt that he thought I wasn't taking him seriously, when I was trying to play hard to get.

Today, he is dating someone named Melv. I am ever jealous.

* * *

Aerick is someone I dated an entire year back. He was one of those steady type, muscular, masculine with no self-esteem issues(which can be such a turn off!). He asked me out for dates, and was direct in his sexual insinuations('I'd give you a big wet kiss and fit my tongue like a finger down your..etc).

We went for quite a few dates, mostly at Pavillion. Pavillion was once place I'd act as gay as I could, cause no one would recognize me there anyway. It wasn't a place I frequented, and I daresay most the time I went there was with him.

He'd never allow me pay for anything. I resisted, of course, and I wasn't pretending. Because I knew it wouldn't matter, he would somehow pay for everything anyway. And as superficial as it sounds, I liked him because of that.

I was the monkey and he was the cow. And somehow, that made a good combination.

But he told me, when I was ready, that he wasn't. And two months later, I found him becoming Tarzan for another monkey.

* * *

Refer to the previous emo posts, most specifically this.

I hardly ever bothered you. I put so much effort to just let you live life without the interference of me. You told me to let you know if I was going to MP. I let you know, and before I could even ask for a lift, since you were going Zouk anyway, you just burst at me.

Why. Have I become such a bother.

* * *

My dear ex, weren't we happy. Weren't we perfect. Why did you care what they said so.

Show me the way, show me show me how;

Help me be brave, for love.

The Things I Can No Longer Tell You

..not because I don't want to. But I'm afraid it'd only make you feel guilty. So here I am.

So it's been a busy week. Presentations, exams, one after the other. But I got through it, and the usual rompy Tuesday brought about a rather different outcome. Because I'll always get through it, because my life is always good.

You're like that distant memory, definitely hidden from the surface, but you creep up ever so often, and every time you do I make that extra effort to push you back into that little box I've confined you in inside my mind.

My heart, is a different matter altogether.

* * *

So Tuesday, as usual, was a trip to the gym followed by a swim at the usual pool. Of course, swimming isn't the only prerogative whenever such a place is visited. I wasn't horny, but I found myself driving there regardless. I hope I'm not becoming somewhat of an addict.

Tired as I was, both physically and emotionally, I just sat there in the locker room, too lazy to change out of my speedos, too drained to react to any suggestive glances and hand signals my way. Then this rather attractive guy, with a slightly above average muscular, swimmer's body sat in front of me. And there we sat, him facing the wall, me facing his..sexy back.

He was drinking some sort of red energy drink(which I later learnt, is Ribena), and soon he stood up, put his towel on and removed his speedos. I looked, and I our eyes met a couple of times, until he finally smiled at me. Eventually, we both just changed and walked out of the changing room, and out of the complex entirely. He offered to drive me to my car.

We made out, and my he is a good kisser. I spoke to him in Chinese, cause that was what was written on his face. The Chinese look, and he had that accent that only people who primarily speak in Chinese have, the accent untainted by the west. (Turns out he speaks perfect English too, and no we did not fuck.)

After an incident where this guy I hooked up with in the bathroom kept stalking me, insisting how in love he is with me after just one encounter, I've made a decision to not give them my number or name or whatsoever that might allow them to contact me. But this guy, he made me feel so comfortable, even through just talking. Eventually, we exchanged numbers and he messaged me as soon as I got home, adding me on msn and Facebook.

Today, we went for a swim together, at somewhere different. It was so quite, and the moon was quite a sight. Completely round, and shining brightly - just like how I used to feel. Cause sadly, I told him what X told me before all the feelings came up.

'I'm not looking for a relationship here.'

His name is Cedric. And I miss you.

All I Asked For Was Ten Minutes

Melancholic or ecstatic, broken or perfect, sick or healthy, I'm always in the mood for just ten minutes of you.

I think, I'm cruising tomorrow. Gonna screw with some random hot swimmer dude. Horny is a good, temporary, emotional substitute.

And of course I play safe. I'm broken, not stupid.

Hungover is Just Drunk After Awakening

Remember when I was the cute guy you were stalking on facebook?

Remember when you had a crush on me?

Remember how fate intertwined us in such a coincidental way?

Remember that guy who had a crush on me, who had a crush on you, four years back?

Remember when we went out for the first time?

Remember our first phone call?

Remember the elevator we kissed in the first time?

Remember the first time you came to my room?

Remember the first time you introduced me as your boyfriend?

Remember our bottles of McCallans?

Remember the first time we Frangi-ed?

Remember the nights you stayed over?

Remember at which exact moment Alexis became our place?

Remember the first time you got pissed at me?

Remember the repeat encounters that made that elevator 'the elevator of chance'?

Remember the hugs and kisses we shared?

Remember our car rides home?

Remember our voluntary participation in jams?

Remember our tears shed?

Remember how I can't forget that smell of your car?

Remember that last parting kiss?

...because I remember and miss you everyday.

So much more to remember. So much easier to remember high.

Uh Oh Uh Oh

My law lecturer and I were shisha-ing(not something I do often) while chatting, after the rest of the class went home. He says I've got lots of pent up emotions. He confronted me about being gay.

Damn straight he's cool.

The Sexapade Escape

Busy day two days back. Went to jog, then to gym, then proceeded to swim. No surprise, the amount of eye candies were insane, even at 8 o clock at night. One in particular, caught my eye, due to his white swimming cap and sexy white trunks.

I'm not really one for the direct approach. So I just walked two lanes down, and swam. Soon, I found this white cap dude coming closer and close until he was in the lane right next to mind. I swam to the other end, and took deep breaths underwater. Suddenly, he was next to me, and sneaked a touch or two at me. I walked to the locker room.

Perhaps he chickened out. But this other equally attractive dude(who didn't catch my attention due to his lack of white trunks!) intercepted the signals in the air. And so, there was no more for descriptive writing.

It hurt, but not as much as I hurt inside.

'You're so sexy'

Gave a dimpled smile in reply, and walked out of the cubicle. Got into the car that reeks of you and your antics, and drove home.

Another busy day. Yet you never fail to creep into my mind.

This is the last escape I have from you.

I'll Say It Now

I can't put my finger down on the exact moment that caused this to occur, but I'd imagine it'd be the result of silence snowballed. Perhaps it was from the start, when you said long distance relationships would never work and I agreed because at that time I believed so. Perhaps it was that moment when I accidentally ended the call before I could clearly hear you say it accidentally for the first time. Perhaps it was because we actually started caring for each other, yet we were too afraid that saying it would actually mean it was happening?

I love you.

I'm not afraid anymore, and I'm going to say it. I'm going to tell you how much I love you, how I cry just thinking of you, how I'd love you even if you were ugly(I'm pretty sure, I asked myself this already), how I'd love you even if you failed everything, how I'd love you even if you lost a leg, gotten a disease, or the like.

I love you.

And I think you love me too, and I''ve said it, and maybe you might've realized it then and there, or maybe you might realize it later. Or maybe you might've already realized it but you've been keeping yourself protected. But I will bring it up again, and I know it's not right, for me to make you hurt and become more confused between me and N, but I will.

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems,

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano,

All I know is,

I love you too much to walkaway

**republished.

Random Thoughts During Exam Season

I have this theory, that the happiness of my general mood throughout the week is directly proportional to the number of guys who ask for my number while clubbing.

Or perhaps it's really more proportional to the number of guys I make out with. But I wouldn't wanna sound like a slut now, do I.

Hmm.

I Love You

It's a complicated, melancholic story. Perhaps it's because I'm a melancholic person. Despite my happy life, I'm actually melancholic by nature. But I've learned how to be happy, by appreciating the things I have and being thankful for the things I don't. After a while, over the years, it became second nature to me, and it took very little effort.

But I'm just too tired to try recently. Tonight I'm broken, and despite us both crying in the car once again, I wonder if you cried cause you loved me.

A lot of shit to write, but fuck it. Long story short, it's complicated.

I had sex on Tuesday. I went cruising, attracted a whole lot of attention, and followed someone home. It hurt quite a bit at first, but that's okay cause I liked the pain, I can relate to it. It was the first time sex was so casual for me, completely without emotional attachments. It was the first time I didn't even know his name.

I guess I just needed to not feel shit all the time.

Oh and I said it, I love you.

Do Tears Form Before You Yawn?

Because I think you just teared for me <3


:*)

Love The Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there

and watch me burn

but that's alright

because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there

and hear me cry

but that's alright

because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

This song, it tears me up every time. It reminds me of you, because it's your song for him. And though it hurts so bad every time, I love that song. I listen to it, obsessively on end. And every time I listen, I cry a little bit more.

You know how Eminem raps? It's quite the bullet train, and more often then not you won't actually catch the lyrics till you've listened to the track loadsa times. And so, yesterday was the day I actually paid attention to the lyrics. I imagined you saying every single word to him.

And it hurt, the parts where you are hurt hurts me, but worst of all, when I finally actually listened to the sentences surrounding the word 'love'. It was as if behind these eyes laid a cracked dam, and the dam it finally broke.

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breath
When you're with them

But today, I'm less depressed. Today, I have a plan. And I'll go down fighting, with no regrets.

All I know is,
I love you too much to walkaway

I'll never forget the day I turned to horoscopes, because I didn't know what else to do, because I didn't know what to do with you

I've never believed in horoscopes. I still don't, but nothing else guides me on what I should do.

I Cannot

I cannot look at these stars so bright
I cannot taste this bottle of Mccallan's
I cannot walk around this mall anymore

I cannot brave these lonely nights
I just can't remember those million moments
When we were intertwined or so I thought, before my heart it felt so sore

I cannot roll around in this bed
I cannot dance in that club like a slut
I cannot smell that car again

I cannot lie drunk and half dead
waiting for you to save me once more
waiting for you to kiss me like before

For now we're still fine
waiting for that temporary high
but tiring it gets
then come these regrets
come a day we'll be gone
come a day I'll move on

I cannot bear to look at that face
I cannot pretend I won't cry
I cannot ignore that one place
I cannot forget those kind eyes

But mostly..I cannot forget you.

I love you everyday, but I need to love myself more.