Despite My Self-Imposed Ban

OMG I can hear my housemate having sex. All the moans and shit. So clumsy sounding, banging into the walls and the metal heater. He is unusually loud today. LOL

K back to studying. Although did you know that it's surprisingly hard to concentrate when you can hear every inch of pleasure they are giving and receiving? I did not. Until now.

Exam Stress

Overwhelmed.

I don't want to ignore you. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to have to give you up. I don't want to move on.

I miss you. I wish you were here. I think about us all the time. I think about everything you've said to me.

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to flat-out ignore you. I'm sorry I just feign disinterest in everything you say. I'm sorry I always pretend to be busy. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

I'm sorry for wishing that it hurts you more than it hurts me.

You will always have a special place in my heart, despite almost a whole year being happy with Sean. And I wish you didn't. I just want you gone. Sean deserves all of me.

This is me, at 2am in the library, studying, armed with Jim Bean and Coke, waging a war against the tears that hide behind my eyes.

This is me, on my knees, losing the fight; as that lone teardrop curiously rolls down my right cheek.

Jian.....

We have become increasingly interested in each other's testicles

"Ilu bb."

"Ilu imu ibcu"

"ibcu?"

"ball-crush"

"WTF"

- whatsapp exchange between me and the Bf

"How are you?"

Inevitably in every conversation, this question pops up. When I was younger I used to make it a point to not give a boring answer. I cringed and rolled my eyes if they replied with shitty, routine answers (ie; "im ok", "good. u?"). I would even accept "could be better if I could have your sexy ass" as an answer (and my answer would depend on your... eligibility). What I couldn't tolerate most were people who give boring answers, which would irrevocably lead to a death in chemistry. Your body how hot also no use lar!

Ok, admittedly that last line was a lie. I would probably keep the chemistry going for a longer time, increasing in a linear fashion (learnt this while writing my psych lab reports woohoo I can has sounding smart!) according to the amount of abs you have. But we would eventuate into nothingness in the end anyway, since even back then I was never THAT shallow to keep afloat what was only supported by purely superficial means. (And when I say eventuate into nothingness I meant hot guy and me in bed eventuating into my..nothingness.)

When asked how I was, I gave a frank (and usually TMI) answer of what I was really feeling. Not to everyone, of course, I give the ones I don't want around the boring answers I despise (but they seem to stay anyway), but to those I wanted to build something more than "nothingness" with. 

So that meant that that simple (so many thats, cool right?), asked-out-of-obligation question was reciprocated with long-ass, overly-dramatic answers. The kind that involves every exboyfriend gathering and making out with each other and then spiking drinks and stabbing this back and that guy's back and getting cheated on and being played and your dog dying. Only two out of em' all actually happened btw. It's 6am I'm allowed to make shit up.

But that was then, and this is now. I guess I have grown up. (Or jaded, one or the other.)

"Oh, I'm good. Yourself?"

When a crush turns bitter, from admirer to stalker

Tonight was supposed to be the final rush towards perfection for my lab report on visual search. I was 90% complete when a random guy (with somewhat of an attitude problem) that I've chat with before started messaging me on Facebook.

"I love it when you ignore me."

....ugh, really?

I have no need to justify this, but I do sometimes choose to pretend I've not seen one's FB message. It's so annoying, yes necessary, but annoying. I mean, I've got a life to lead! Anyway most of the times he messages me (at godforsaken 7am-like hours) I already am on the bed and it takes a bitch ass long time to load messages on an iPhone, so I don't bother. But when he commented once earlier in the morning (like 7am) I replied because.. er, wallposts load really fast. (Damnit I ended up justifying myself)

Anyway, he went on with his usual passive-aggressive (you have not seen passive-aggressive until you have seen him) self, being a real pain in the ass (not in a good way lah fuck off) and all so I told him that I had to go do work. Said I was sorry. He insists that I appear offline on FB chat. I would, just to get him to fuck off but I was discussing some work with some mates and fuck, he kept scolding and scolding and was so relentless on me being offline (fucking scary la wtf is it to you whether I appear offline or online). I eventually told him, "look, just delete me if you can't stand seeing me online on your list".

That was when it happened I think. When he started showing his scary, stalkery side.

It's 5.30am (typical, just finally done with my report! hurrah) and I'm not going to go into exact details but basically he went on and on and wouldn't let up and I realized then I was in danger if he actually used stuff on my FB and twitter and instagram against me so I blocked him. And also set everything to maximum privacy.

He started calling, and calling, and leaving whatsapp messages, and actual messages, and voicemails. Basically right now it has been about 2 and a half hours? And I've got at least 150 misscalls and about 100 mother fuckin creepy voicemails from a blocked number.

He was an old friend's of my housemate, and my housemate (the one who was having sex a few posts ago) told me about more of his history. Apparently, he's a pro at this. He's got restraining orders against him. He's been in court. He's on meds for depression and shit. And I realized then I was dealing with a literally crazy bastard.

Ugh.

Before turning all stalkery he had a crush on me. Did I lead him on..? No. My conscience is clear. From the very start I have made it clear I was attached and I wasn't looking for anything other than friends. And when he started flirting in the beginning I reminded him, once more, of my earlier disclaimer.

He still insists I lead him on though. Ugh, whatever. You know lah, crazy people. Piff.

The Bf won't be happy to hear about this. A police report was made but they need to hear an actual physical threat to take action. This guy really is a pro to know all the loopholes and shit. Tomorrow go change number.

This post is a mess, my story is only partially told but I honestly can't be fucked tonight (in more ways than one). All you bitches out there please pray I don't die or get stabbed randomly in public by some HIV-infected knife.

(And this is why I tell you to be careful what you share on Grindr/Jack'd, Leonut.)

(Apparently he recognized the tramstop in one of my housemate's pictures. Now he's sending voicemails saying repetitively saying 'I know you live near tramstop xx', 'I will be waiting at tramstop xx', 'I'll be watching you', and creepy sounds of random movies. Fml)

My Dear Boyfriend

Disclaimer: You know that moment when you're not feeling yourself and all the emotions that you have ever experienced decide to come together and flood you over until all you can manage are dishevelled dramatic words formed from thoughts that shoot further than cum after a week long's abstinence? Yes this is that moment. Contrary to popular belief, we are actually happy together. Hehe

Hello, this is me at 6.59am in the morning. That nap between my assignments before cut my sleep short, and I have hence been awake since 2. I am dying to fall asleep for my 2pm tute. But I want to write this all down before I feel differently.

You've spent the last 3 nights with me. And as I lay awake on my bed, snuggled under the covers, fan blowing towards me, Bree desperately trying to save her marriage (rewatching the first season, I am) on the flat-screen, it hit me. 

I wanna be with you. I want to be with you until circumstances tear us apart. This is the realization that I need you. This is the epiphany that my life could be so content and meaningful yet so empty without you.

This is me saying I love you at 7.05am in the morning.

Or maybe this is me on a sleep deprived high that fades after some z-s.

Yeah, this is probably that. But would it make it different if I feel that way every single time I'm on a sleep deprived high at a time when the sun has half risen?

I still wanna fuck all the boys. As do you. It's so scary how long we've lasted. It's so scary to imagine forever with you, but it's even worse to picture a world without you and me.

Or maybe you don't wanna fuck all the boys. Maybe I'm enough. Really? Am I really enough?