Goodbye

This is me moving on with life.

................ :*)

You Made Me Feel Like I'm Livin' A Teenage Dream

So it was another regular, trainwrecking Saturday night. I went with your friend, and we had heart to heart talks in the car. We got ourselves the entry stamp, and did our routine of rushing back out to the car in the rain. We sat down, him sitting on your seat, and laying on where your head once laid. I took out our wine, and watched as he drank from your glass.

And we danced. He somehow planted a sneaky kiss on my neck, and followed with another on my cheeks, and then lips. He said that they're soft and so nice to connect to. I found comfort just laying in his arms, head on his chest. It's been so long since I last felt warm hands on my waist. It makes me think of the last time you held me in your arms.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

Cause today,

That was yesterday,

Yesterday is over,

It's a different day,

Sounds like a broken record,

Playin' over

Ridiculous

**This is not crap related to love or sex. This is to prove that I have life outside of failed romances and raunchy hookups.

So a while back, after performing in my college's acoustic night(with only a horrendous guitarist as background who insists on singing despite it being so completely off-key), aA friend of mine informed me about the prom auditions.

(Digressing, how horrendous could a guitarist be? He's 18 now, and has learned guitar since he was 12. And these are literally things I told him - 'If you forget the chord then skip it completely it's okay' and 'If you play the wrong chord just continue playing and don't stop, I'm loud enough to cover it'. How the fuck can he still screw up, if I covered forgetting and playing the wrong chords? He went SUPER FAST. But we still got an applause la. ;D )

So supposedly, I asked two of my classmates if they wanted to go for it. They said okay, and so we decided on Boyslikegirls' 'Love Drunk' and LeeHom's 'Kiss Goodbye'. So well, we are busy people, and the only practice we had were that 30 minutes before the auditions? So we couldn't change songs. And as one of our classmates quit cause she decided she won't be around for prom, 'Love Drunk' was a bitch to sing. Because the guitarist(different one) so blatantly refused to sing. I know, should've just played the song slower, but then it loses its omphhh.

So anyway, I thought we did okay despite the lack of practice and preparations. But my friend was like, 'I dunno leh'.

So fast forward weeks later and I still have yet to receive an email from the person in charge. She has, however, emailed me about my program's T-shirts and class pages and whatnot. I was like, so embarrassed can? I sung my heart out on both the songs! And when you sing your heart out, so loud that even those outside the auditorium heard you, only to realize you suck, that just really sucks, doesn't it ;(.

Because of the shame, I try to avoid the people in charge, and the other people around when I was auditioning, or those who knew I was auditioning for prom's performances and would ask. I would pretend to be talking on the phone and just walk on by.

Today, on a class outing, a friend inevitably asked about the auditions. I knew I was gonna have to face this...disgrace eventually anyway. A million things ran through my head, alternatives on what to say or how to face this shame with the most glam and dignity that could be mustered.

Then the said guitarist said, 'Yea we got through.'

KNNCCBOMGBBQ!!!!!

Apparently they emailed him, and he forgot to tell me about it. So yeah, all those days of avoiding random people cause of the shame totally wasted. Damnit.

But haha, quite happy now lah. But we have to show them what we've got next Friday, right after five days of trials. :|

But yay!

Just Like A Whirlwind

'So are we together?'

'Aren't we?'

'But you never officially asked me also'

'Kayson, would you be my boyfriend?'

Your arms, they were so warm. They wrapped around me, as your lips made contact with my cheeks. Your legs, they intertwined with mine. It was worth it, feeling so cold, just to have that satisfaction when you press yours against mine. Your fingers, playing with my hair and all the trouble I went through styling it. I didn't mind <3

There are many moments in life that imprint themselves on our hearts, without us knowing. This is one of those moments, that I know I will find myself immersed in nostalgia over years from now.

And when that memory creeps up on me, I will remember, that there was a time when we were so effortlessly compatible. There was a moment in time, when I thought that wow, we really were perfect together.
And when that memory finishes playing, I'll run through the entire episode inside my head, again and again, wondering if things could be different, wondering if I could've made a better choice, wondering if the entire episode, whether it really happened. And then I'll remember, how you lost me.

I don't think I've ever gave up this easily. I don't think I've ever been so distrusting, or so faithless. But this is me, the results of all the tears and shits that I've grown through. And at most, all I can do is apologize for scars I bear.

And at the end of the day, the best we can hope for is that we've got good memories, like this, that last us a life time. Because I absolutely believe in this one fact.




Nothing lasts forever.

'Quit him like you'd quit cigarettes'

But I've never smoked.

And he is not cigarettes.

Is he?

There Was A Time When You Were So Damn Easy To Love

I don't know why, or how every single time we get start talking about shits of reasonable depth I get so pissed off. This deep-seated anger never seems to subside. Countless sorries have been said and tears come and gone, so why are we still back at square one?

Yes, I'm asking you. I know you're reading. I don't know any other way to go into this subject and not feel so pissed off.

This is not about X. This is about me, and the Ex, and our issues. One day later, I'm still seething.

Moving on.

Unwritten

The Ex found this blog.

How now, brown cow?

Now You're Gone

Looking above as I always do, whenever I'm with you, the skies are dark. I make a mental note to ask if anyone else notices that stars hardly ever shine anymore. I wonder if it's a bad omen, but regardless I still walk to your car and sit myself in that front seat I've grown accustomed to.

And we talked.

I beamed when you told me to stay for another ten minutes. It was a rare thing. I told you repeatedly, through the ever pouring tears, that I was going to be alright. I wanted to be alright, and I wanted you to see that I was as happy as I could be at how we worked out. I hope you saw that through my wet eyes.

Eventually, I handed you the letter. We shared a hug that I still feel till today, and locked our lips to be intertwined in such an emotional kiss that lingers until this very moment. I'm sorry if I was rough, cause you know, you usually do most the work, while I just compliment our kisses gently. But that night, I was compensating for the lack of practice with passion.

Before I left, I looked at your face, memorized those eyes and ran my hand over the contours of your face, for the one last time, to be crystallized in my heart(I won't say forever), and took one last whiff of your car and its overpowering scent.

I'm glad I can still make you tear after all this while. And no, you're not the type that keeps letters.

So..thank you for keeping mine.

I love you. And I'll be moving along. Perhaps someday we'll meet again. But until then, thanks for the memories <3

With love.

K

The Letter

Dear X,

I have no idea if you are the type that keeps these letters or not. But in case some things don't come out right when I speak with you later, I'll say it here.

Thanks for everything. I know I've been such a burden, and I hope you really do still care for me, rather than just feeling the afterglow of leftover concern.

When you're in the UK, there'll come a time when you're really tired of all the studying/assignments/exams, but you'd have the urge to just party anyway. Once in a while, please choose to stay in! Also, every time you pick up alcohol, please note that with every sip you're that much closer to liver failure!! Drink less!

We've always enjoyed the times together. Not recently though, and I know you hate all these emotional confrontations that end with tears/annoyance. Remember us for the past, and not this rocky month please?

I'm not at my best. It's a rough patch. I will be great again, that happy, fun (&skinny&cute) Kayson you first liked. Please don't bring anyone else to BSC's Alexis okay! This I don't care. That is OUR place!

If I do end up at UK next year, assuming you get over N, please give me a chance? >.<"

In or out of love, there'll always be a place for you in my heart =) But until I'm out of love (which might take a while), I'll tell you this - I love you!

Goodbye. Take care. I'm going on diet =P Don't need to miss me, but please remember who I am, and the nights that we've shared, days that we've had, and moments that we...felt.

With Love,

Kayson

Questions

X is returning to the UK to pursue his PHD in London this Sunday. I'll be attempting to let go and move on, and ideally go on with my dreams of living the apartment-car-blackberry-clubbing-hotness lifestyle in Melbourne, and find another guy of my dreams to screw with. And being lonely and cold in a foreign land, I would fall in love easily and everything would be so bright and dandy. I hope.

But I would only wanna stay in Melbourne, and not some other random kampong area place. And the only place that offers the course I want is Melbourne U, but what if I don't get in? The alternative is Monash, and we all know Monash is over-commercialized now. I mean really, at the end of the day your degrees are all the same, the only difference is where you got it from right? Imagine you having to tell people, 'I was from Monash. Oh, the Australia one, not the Malaysia one'.

So if I can't get into Melbourne U, the second plan is to head to UCL in London. UCL, where Inception was 'brainchilded' from, where they even filmed at, where X is.

Wouldn't it be perfect, if I was there, with X? The reason X has always given me, prior to his affair with N was that, the distance would tear us apart. And just yesterday he told me that that was the reason he gave up on pursuing me.

I wanted to ask. I wanted to know. But I'm so scared, so afraid to know the answer.

Would it be stupid or immature to say that, I still don't wanna move on?

How did I fall in love with you so?

What if I were where you were, and distance was not a problem. What if you got over N, and could happily stay in my apartment. What if we could sleep together every night, and nobody had to know.

Would you still pick me?

Or has the novelty of me, resolved itself?