I'll Say It Now

I can't put my finger down on the exact moment that caused this to occur, but I'd imagine it'd be the result of silence snowballed. Perhaps it was from the start, when you said long distance relationships would never work and I agreed because at that time I believed so. Perhaps it was that moment when I accidentally ended the call before I could clearly hear you say it accidentally for the first time. Perhaps it was because we actually started caring for each other, yet we were too afraid that saying it would actually mean it was happening?

I love you.

I'm not afraid anymore, and I'm going to say it. I'm going to tell you how much I love you, how I cry just thinking of you, how I'd love you even if you were ugly(I'm pretty sure, I asked myself this already), how I'd love you even if you failed everything, how I'd love you even if you lost a leg, gotten a disease, or the like.

I love you.

And I think you love me too, and I''ve said it, and maybe you might've realized it then and there, or maybe you might realize it later. Or maybe you might've already realized it but you've been keeping yourself protected. But I will bring it up again, and I know it's not right, for me to make you hurt and become more confused between me and N, but I will.

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems,

maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano,

All I know is,

I love you too much to walkaway

**republished.

Random Thoughts During Exam Season

I have this theory, that the happiness of my general mood throughout the week is directly proportional to the number of guys who ask for my number while clubbing.

Or perhaps it's really more proportional to the number of guys I make out with. But I wouldn't wanna sound like a slut now, do I.

Hmm.

I Love You

It's a complicated, melancholic story. Perhaps it's because I'm a melancholic person. Despite my happy life, I'm actually melancholic by nature. But I've learned how to be happy, by appreciating the things I have and being thankful for the things I don't. After a while, over the years, it became second nature to me, and it took very little effort.

But I'm just too tired to try recently. Tonight I'm broken, and despite us both crying in the car once again, I wonder if you cried cause you loved me.

A lot of shit to write, but fuck it. Long story short, it's complicated.

I had sex on Tuesday. I went cruising, attracted a whole lot of attention, and followed someone home. It hurt quite a bit at first, but that's okay cause I liked the pain, I can relate to it. It was the first time sex was so casual for me, completely without emotional attachments. It was the first time I didn't even know his name.

I guess I just needed to not feel shit all the time.

Oh and I said it, I love you.

Do Tears Form Before You Yawn?

Because I think you just teared for me <3


:*)

Love The Way You Lie

Just gonna stand there

and watch me burn

but that's alright

because I like the way it hurts

Just gonna stand there

and hear me cry

but that's alright

because I love the way you lie

I love the way you lie

This song, it tears me up every time. It reminds me of you, because it's your song for him. And though it hurts so bad every time, I love that song. I listen to it, obsessively on end. And every time I listen, I cry a little bit more.

You know how Eminem raps? It's quite the bullet train, and more often then not you won't actually catch the lyrics till you've listened to the track loadsa times. And so, yesterday was the day I actually paid attention to the lyrics. I imagined you saying every single word to him.

And it hurt, the parts where you are hurt hurts me, but worst of all, when I finally actually listened to the sentences surrounding the word 'love'. It was as if behind these eyes laid a cracked dam, and the dam it finally broke.

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breath
When you're with them

But today, I'm less depressed. Today, I have a plan. And I'll go down fighting, with no regrets.

All I know is,
I love you too much to walkaway

I'll never forget the day I turned to horoscopes, because I didn't know what else to do, because I didn't know what to do with you

I've never believed in horoscopes. I still don't, but nothing else guides me on what I should do.

I Cannot

I cannot look at these stars so bright
I cannot taste this bottle of Mccallan's
I cannot walk around this mall anymore

I cannot brave these lonely nights
I just can't remember those million moments
When we were intertwined or so I thought, before my heart it felt so sore

I cannot roll around in this bed
I cannot dance in that club like a slut
I cannot smell that car again

I cannot lie drunk and half dead
waiting for you to save me once more
waiting for you to kiss me like before

For now we're still fine
waiting for that temporary high
but tiring it gets
then come these regrets
come a day we'll be gone
come a day I'll move on

I cannot bear to look at that face
I cannot pretend I won't cry
I cannot ignore that one place
I cannot forget those kind eyes

But mostly..I cannot forget you.

I love you everyday, but I need to love myself more.