As I Close My Eyes

Embracing the sounds that fill my ears, of melodies crafted from memories and lyrics formed in desperation, I sat in silence.

A succession of songs from this particular forbidden folder left me shaken and ever so slightly wrecked. Nostalgia can bring with it two contrasting sides of feelings, but I wasn't in between. I was stretched to both ends. I was smiling with the tears in my eyes.

As I close my eyes, a pictures blurs into mind. It's amazing how familiar a place I've only been to once can make me feel. Perhaps I associated it with you?

* * *

The sun was red, preparing to set. I walked out of that friend's house, into the back of your Myvi as you took the driver's seat, said friend next to you. Said friend had no clue of our 'relationship', if we would call it so. You sneaked a glance at me, through the rear view mirror. Meeting my eyes, you gave me that familiar warm smile that you did whenever you saw me. I looked away and gave a snide looking smirk.

Avoiding suspicion, you start chatting animatedly with your friend about how the weather might be a little chilly (true enough I had a fever later), followed by a video you guys uploaded to youtube, of you both playing the piano and violin respectively to a Jay Chou song by ear. You asked for my bitchy input on that bitch who insisted the both of you read the scores, which I happily gave (fucking jealous cibai!) without so much as a glance at you.

When you finally started the car, I turned to look at the back of your head, being sure that you would concentrate on driving and not look back. I decided to remember how you looked like from behind, as I did with the front, in silence, as your head bobbed up and down with the craggy roads of Muar, in sync with whatever it was you both were talking about now.

Again our eyes met, in the rear view mirror, in between bits of music related conversation. I bit my lip, to suppress a smile I could not contain, as we drove off into the sunset.

* * *

Out of all the songs we wrote, there's this one that still makes me cry. What can I say? You were almost two years of my life.

I tried to write a song for you

so that you could sing-a-long too

with my paper and my pen

pillow by my side, I was about to begin

and I wrote words on a piece of paper

these were things I would've told you later

lyrics from the bottom of my heart

but guess what?

you've torn it apart

stab me once, hurt me twice

and I don't

think you can just apologize

and I know you'll cry as you

arrange this song

just like me I know that you'd

feel so wrong

and maybe

someday I can finally say

that it's okay

it has faded away...

p/s: written ages ago, before I originally shut this blog down. Posting it now, cause I feel the same nostalgia.

Never Forget

"This is how it works/ You're young until you're not/ You love until you don't/ You try until you can't/ You laugh until you cry/ You cry until you laugh/ And everyone must breathe until their dying breath."

-Regina Spektor

* * *

Turns out moving on doesn't get me very far, blogging wise.

Yes, I'm back.

Goodbye

This is me moving on with life.

................ :*)

You Made Me Feel Like I'm Livin' A Teenage Dream

So it was another regular, trainwrecking Saturday night. I went with your friend, and we had heart to heart talks in the car. We got ourselves the entry stamp, and did our routine of rushing back out to the car in the rain. We sat down, him sitting on your seat, and laying on where your head once laid. I took out our wine, and watched as he drank from your glass.

And we danced. He somehow planted a sneaky kiss on my neck, and followed with another on my cheeks, and then lips. He said that they're soft and so nice to connect to. I found comfort just laying in his arms, head on his chest. It's been so long since I last felt warm hands on my waist. It makes me think of the last time you held me in your arms.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

Cause today,

That was yesterday,

Yesterday is over,

It's a different day,

Sounds like a broken record,

Playin' over

Ridiculous

**This is not crap related to love or sex. This is to prove that I have life outside of failed romances and raunchy hookups.

So a while back, after performing in my college's acoustic night(with only a horrendous guitarist as background who insists on singing despite it being so completely off-key), aA friend of mine informed me about the prom auditions.

(Digressing, how horrendous could a guitarist be? He's 18 now, and has learned guitar since he was 12. And these are literally things I told him - 'If you forget the chord then skip it completely it's okay' and 'If you play the wrong chord just continue playing and don't stop, I'm loud enough to cover it'. How the fuck can he still screw up, if I covered forgetting and playing the wrong chords? He went SUPER FAST. But we still got an applause la. ;D )

So supposedly, I asked two of my classmates if they wanted to go for it. They said okay, and so we decided on Boyslikegirls' 'Love Drunk' and LeeHom's 'Kiss Goodbye'. So well, we are busy people, and the only practice we had were that 30 minutes before the auditions? So we couldn't change songs. And as one of our classmates quit cause she decided she won't be around for prom, 'Love Drunk' was a bitch to sing. Because the guitarist(different one) so blatantly refused to sing. I know, should've just played the song slower, but then it loses its omphhh.

So anyway, I thought we did okay despite the lack of practice and preparations. But my friend was like, 'I dunno leh'.

So fast forward weeks later and I still have yet to receive an email from the person in charge. She has, however, emailed me about my program's T-shirts and class pages and whatnot. I was like, so embarrassed can? I sung my heart out on both the songs! And when you sing your heart out, so loud that even those outside the auditorium heard you, only to realize you suck, that just really sucks, doesn't it ;(.

Because of the shame, I try to avoid the people in charge, and the other people around when I was auditioning, or those who knew I was auditioning for prom's performances and would ask. I would pretend to be talking on the phone and just walk on by.

Today, on a class outing, a friend inevitably asked about the auditions. I knew I was gonna have to face this...disgrace eventually anyway. A million things ran through my head, alternatives on what to say or how to face this shame with the most glam and dignity that could be mustered.

Then the said guitarist said, 'Yea we got through.'

KNNCCBOMGBBQ!!!!!

Apparently they emailed him, and he forgot to tell me about it. So yeah, all those days of avoiding random people cause of the shame totally wasted. Damnit.

But haha, quite happy now lah. But we have to show them what we've got next Friday, right after five days of trials. :|

But yay!

Just Like A Whirlwind

'So are we together?'

'Aren't we?'

'But you never officially asked me also'

'Kayson, would you be my boyfriend?'

Your arms, they were so warm. They wrapped around me, as your lips made contact with my cheeks. Your legs, they intertwined with mine. It was worth it, feeling so cold, just to have that satisfaction when you press yours against mine. Your fingers, playing with my hair and all the trouble I went through styling it. I didn't mind <3

There are many moments in life that imprint themselves on our hearts, without us knowing. This is one of those moments, that I know I will find myself immersed in nostalgia over years from now.

And when that memory creeps up on me, I will remember, that there was a time when we were so effortlessly compatible. There was a moment in time, when I thought that wow, we really were perfect together.
And when that memory finishes playing, I'll run through the entire episode inside my head, again and again, wondering if things could be different, wondering if I could've made a better choice, wondering if the entire episode, whether it really happened. And then I'll remember, how you lost me.

I don't think I've ever gave up this easily. I don't think I've ever been so distrusting, or so faithless. But this is me, the results of all the tears and shits that I've grown through. And at most, all I can do is apologize for scars I bear.

And at the end of the day, the best we can hope for is that we've got good memories, like this, that last us a life time. Because I absolutely believe in this one fact.




Nothing lasts forever.

'Quit him like you'd quit cigarettes'

But I've never smoked.

And he is not cigarettes.

Is he?