Alone Again

"A lot has happened.

Somehow I am all by my lonesome, again.

I could ponder on about the million and one things I could've possibly done differently, so you would've done differently, so we would've done differently. I could contemplate and rationalise the pain I felt or inflicted on you so many times over that I couldn't feel it anymore. I could agonise over the way we ended things, the last time I ever saw your face, or kissed your cheeks, or felt the warmth of your tongue swirling like crashing waves, leaving behind a ripple that resonates deep into the very numbness of my soul.

I could think about you positively. When one is self-destructive, to think of another positively is to think of the other as doing it for reasons besides spite. I heard the jarring clatter of your heart being wrenched open, and the frantic pitter-patter of you keeping it all together. I saw the reluctance and pain and sorrow and tragedy and misery and agony in that kiss I had no idea was our kiss goodbye. I know you wished me well.

I could think of you positively.

I could imagine you in my mind, in our room, slowly but surely prepping yourself for the monumental task to come. I saw you organise our things, our life, into boxes and up onto the few shelves you could still spare me in your heart. The others went out down the garbage chute as you forcefully embraced freedom from the chains that chain, the bonds that bond, and the ties that bind.

I have an addictive personality.

Dissociation is addictive. Loneliness is addictive. Pain is addictive. Melancholy is addictive.

But so is freedom.

And if there's anything I hope you'd know it would be this:

I wish you nothing but the best,"

he said as he clicked in confirmation.

.

Stranger

I sat on my balcony, thinking about the ex's imminent departure. He came for a month to be with me, and all my worst fears have come true, that we would get close again, that I would be emotionally attached. I didn't deal with it so well the last time, and I dread what would become of me in two days. 

It's happening again. I can feel it, the tears partially forming behind my eyes, and it scares me. Why did I let you stay with me. Why? I just moved into my new apartment, and it's already tainted with memories of us. I regret letting that happen, but I guess I would regret not being with you while you were here even more. I chose the lesser pain.

 

I was finally okay. I could breath again. The world was bright and sunny. I was happy. I generally am.. Before I let some guy come into my world and leave it tattered again. 

But you're not some guy. In some ways we've been together, albeit emotionally, for two years now. Some days I feel like you're not important anymore, like I've moved on. And the next I'm lying in bed having realizations that you are the one. Fuck me. 

We bicker, we fight, we make each other cry but we also make each other happy. You make me smile, you make me feel loved, you know me better than I let you believe you do. We are two pieces of a whole. And you're leaving again. 

I saw a stranger walk to the tramstop. Just for that moment, it was me and him. He looked sad, and seemed to be crying. I am sad, and I am crying. It's a fucking cold night and I considered asking if he needed some shelter just for an hour till the tram comes. Then I went back inside and laid next to you.

Tomorrow is our last night. 

I will always love you baby

Even when I've moved on

Alone

It was fucking noisy in the tram, and the atmosphere was fantastic. Arrived home at 12.30am after work. Walked into my apartment and stripped down to my underwear because no one's around anyway. Eating my dinner with an unwashed fork from yesterday. Sighing to myself before I start on my assignment. Feels like yesterday.

Yesterday. And the day before. Who the fuck clubs on a Thursday night? Me. And who clubs again the next day? Me. Made many new friends, and many new friends. Somehow ended up at the playground nearby Peel. I somewhat enjoyed the solitude. It's so weird how you can be around so many people and yet feel so alone.

After getting off the taxi, we said goodbye and went separate ways. And then I walk home.

Alone

again

P/s: Happy CNY!

Strangely, this song makes me sad. Kinda.

So much more to say but fuck that. Assignments due, work tomorrow, and a high school gathering I can't be bothered going to but am obligated to. Gonna sleep while I'm still drunk.

Fuck Buddy

I've been seeing L for about three weeks now and it's been pretty good and all. We get along well and are at a fairly reasonable level of friendship. The first time he stayed over we were just watching a movie when he made a move on me, pulling my mouth close and sticking his tongue in it. That was a good night.

He's been over a few times and aside from hanging out and stuff we've obviously been having sex. That's a no brainer. And it's pretty obvious that I kinda have a thing for him. I don't know if he feels the same though.

He was tipsy in the city earlier and came over to crash, all depressed and shit. I've heard him slip up before but this time he managed to drag my spirits down with him. I was making such an effort, even outside of tonight, and I'm not sure if it ever works anymore. It really makes me question how.. positive of an effect I can have on people. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So I gave him some sleeping pills and tucked him into bed. He wanted to hug me to sleep but I just wasn't in the mood, I needed vodka. And orange snappe (or however you spell it).

Smoking on the balcony (I smoke now, that's how much I've fucked myself up), sweet alcoholic beverage in hand, I contemplated the vast skyline. I felt emotionally heavy, like all the excess baggage I left at the some airport of emotions finally caught up with me. My ex, him leaving, me begging.. I was the one who broke up with him due to the unavoidable circumstances.. but the truth is if our love was enough it wouldn't be inevitable, distance wouldn't affect us.. He was the one who truly dumped me.

I made a decision to just be friends with L. And I realized how stupid it was to have taken pictures of us both topless together, on the bed. Sometimes you get so eager to move on with life, your mind forces you too hard into the hands of that potential someone - even if you've just met him, and you do fucking dumb things.

I turned his phone on, minimized Facebook and while searching for the pictures stumbled across his messages. One in particular caught my eye, and I couldn't resist. He was such an enigma, really, that I had to stoop this low for my own peace of mind.

I cringed while reaching for the gallery icon.

& In just a few minutes, happy moments frozen in times were erased from physical existence.

But fuck my ridiculously unforgiving memory

And fuck my sweet ass too bitches

cause I'm a fucking fuck buddy.

The Problem With Gay Friends

Believe it or not, most of my friends are straight guys and girls. I have friends who hang out predominantly with gay guys and the drama is unbelievable. Usually, they've fucked each and every other person in their respective groups (and hence drama often unfolding soon after).

For example, take the Doppelganger's group - they're a good example. After being tight-knit for ages, the treacherous web of flirtatious, ambiguous feelings and blowjobs has torn them apart - threeways. Dopple and then bf has broken up (lots of dishonesty and betrayal apparently), tearing the group into two, and Dopple is pretty much my best friend these days. Loads more drama there, but I digress. The point is they're not on good terms anymore.

So I try to get to know people outside of groups. It's easier, less intimidating, and the two of us can actually get to really talk and.. attempt a connection that requires no bodily fluids. Especially since I'm back in Melbs during the summer (where Asians are scarce and you feel emptiness out of your ass), I've been about meeting people.

Crossing out the ones that I don't think I could be friends withthe brainless and the creepy, you actually do find a few nice guys (not taking their faces or bodies into account la). The both of you can actually talk on a non-patronizing level and enjoy each other's company. You guys hang out, go to dinner, watch a movie, and you secretly tell yourself you're glad you had the balls to say hi on Jack'd before dismissing him as someone not worth bothering with.

And then it happens.

You go for a movie, and halfway through he suddenly holds your hand. You go clubbing, and suddenly he's jealous you're dancing with someone else, face darker than the mold on the bread my disgusting ex-housemate didn't toss out while getting the fuck out of my apartment. Or maybe you guys were just hanging out casually, watching 2 Broke Girls on the laptop when he suddenly sticks his tongue down your throat.

He wants something more -sexually or emotionally you can't be sure, but if that delightful prod behind my left thigh was any indication, he wouldn't be sure until he fucks you.

This has happened twice in the last 3 weeks.

I had sex on both occasions and rather enjoyed it. But that's also besides the point LOL.

Maybe cause we're all guys (horny bitches) and besides both parties being more willing than girls there's always this possibility of falling in love and being together. And sex too, that gets in the way (of my ass) a lot. I really wouldn't mind but somehow, perhaps cause of the awkwardness of having had sex, or the shame of confessing certain things you normally wouldn't, or maybe just plain ol' unreciprocated feelings, that very close friend you were so glad to have made would just be another fling in your distant past. And someday down the line you'll meet each other again through some mutual friend, or perhaps at a place you both used to frequent, and the acknowledgement of acquaintance for someone you used to spend hours texting would actually be a dilemma.

Either way one of you would give in to the nostalgia, while the other vehemently denies the affair from their existences. No one wins, everyone is left empty at the end, like a bottle of whiskey after its contents have been enjoyed: hungover, and left to wonder if the entire episode ever happened.

12/12/12

It's been about three months now. I'm not very sure, I don't really keep track and I find myself avoiding retrospection involving that. The pain has dulled itself out, like how all forest fires eventually burn themselves out, leaving behind only heavy smoke that weighs one down. 

We're still talking, and most of the time it's almost like we're still together, and sometimes I worry if that's healthy, being so close despite no longer being together. But then again I can't resist talking to him, replying him, or settling back into familiar sweet ways. 

I've been going around, hanging out with friends, meeting people, old and new, partying, gymming, sleeping late, playing mahjong etc etc in KL - basically just really bumming around before I head back for summer school. Life's good, though I wish I had better sleeping habits. But my mind often wanders into thoughts of you when I lay down at night. Been taking more sleeping... supplements than I would like myself to have. Gotta stop that.

Sent him a text on Whatsapp celebrating the insignificant 12/12/12 date. I really wanted to say more but what's the point. 

I miss you

Alone

Haven't been here as I've been dumping all my shit on my public blog. I think most people have forgotten about it after shutting it down for so long, making it once again a safe place to blog in. Those who still frequent it after almost 5 months of closure totally deserve to read my innermost bullshit anyway.

In many ways I've been avoiding this blog, preferring to play Mahjong over actual writing. I haven't wrote in so long, and it feels wrong. One of the best feelings in this lifetime for me is the idea that you can have a laptop (no pen and paper please, actual writing is so fucking tedious and ugly, have you seen my high school essays?), open an empty word document and create a world from scratch ala-Harry-Potter (or Twilight even, seriously).

But the other day I turned it on and sat in front of a blank page and felt nothing. I was numb. One of life's greatest gifts to me - gone.

.. And I'm still not talking about it. Has it already been two months? Why does it still feel so raw

Goodbye, Again

**X or The-One-Who-Got-Away will henceforth be known as J. X is too cliche and ultimately, he didn't get away after all. 

So anyway J was back in KL the last 2 weeks. It was the usual clubbing clubbing clubbing, of endless alcohol and the usual druken emotional outrage. Surprisingly, the outrage came from J this time. It's usually me.

I've always known that in the end I will always be somewhat important to him, like how he is to me. It's the vague, what-was, what-could-have been-but-unfortunately-we-went-on-to-fuck-other-people-instead kind of love. It was so amazing when it happened, sparks flew, I was 15 all over again and he was that fairytale that I long gave up on - but we were going separate ways. I was willing to try, but he wasn't, and somehow that translated into me being the clingy one and him being the strong one who cares just a little less. He said he didn't want to ruin the first time, to ruin the honeymoon period being continents apart. We would continue to drag this one for a long time, and about a year into it he told me he loved me.

But even that was more than a year and a half ago.

So I guess it was good to hear that again, after so long. To just receive a light kiss and a brief hug as additional assurance of sincerity.

Yesterday he boarded for London.

Soon I will be back in Melbourne.

And like before, we will be worlds apart.

Goodbye, again.

Sleep Deprived

"I haven't received the letter yet."

He mentioned to me casually. The letter in reference was his Masters acceptance letter. I noticed the hinted casualness behind his tone. I hated that I noticed and questioned everything. My mind processed it really quickly, and I tried to not look too deep into it in the unconsciously way I could consciously impose.

I didn't wanna process the consequences. I didn't wanna have the realization dawn on me. But it did.

All I did was smile.

Smile as you studied for your Friday paper.
Smile as you hugged me on the bed.
Smile as we watched a bit of Desperate Housewives.
Smile as you fell asleep.

You could be leaving soon. This could truly be our last month together. And that is why I only slept two hours last night.

In an perpetual struggle with thoughts that threaten to unleash these tears

Crash

Running on caffeine-fuelled borrowed time until further notice.

I keep telling myself I can't slow down now, that I can't take a breather right now when the finish line is so close. It will be over in two days, but I can feel myself crashing down this very moment.

20 mins won't make much of a difference.... right?

Exam Stress

Overwhelmed.

I don't want to ignore you. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to have to give you up. I don't want to move on.

I miss you. I wish you were here. I think about us all the time. I think about everything you've said to me.

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to flat-out ignore you. I'm sorry I just feign disinterest in everything you say. I'm sorry I always pretend to be busy. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

I'm sorry for wishing that it hurts you more than it hurts me.

You will always have a special place in my heart, despite almost a whole year being happy with Sean. And I wish you didn't. I just want you gone. Sean deserves all of me.

This is me, at 2am in the library, studying, armed with Jim Bean and Coke, waging a war against the tears that hide behind my eyes.

This is me, on my knees, losing the fight; as that lone teardrop curiously rolls down my right cheek.

Jian.....

My Dear Boyfriend

Disclaimer: You know that moment when you're not feeling yourself and all the emotions that you have ever experienced decide to come together and flood you over until all you can manage are dishevelled dramatic words formed from thoughts that shoot further than cum after a week long's abstinence? Yes this is that moment. Contrary to popular belief, we are actually happy together. Hehe

Hello, this is me at 6.59am in the morning. That nap between my assignments before cut my sleep short, and I have hence been awake since 2. I am dying to fall asleep for my 2pm tute. But I want to write this all down before I feel differently.

You've spent the last 3 nights with me. And as I lay awake on my bed, snuggled under the covers, fan blowing towards me, Bree desperately trying to save her marriage (rewatching the first season, I am) on the flat-screen, it hit me. 

I wanna be with you. I want to be with you until circumstances tear us apart. This is the realization that I need you. This is the epiphany that my life could be so content and meaningful yet so empty without you.

This is me saying I love you at 7.05am in the morning.

Or maybe this is me on a sleep deprived high that fades after some z-s.

Yeah, this is probably that. But would it make it different if I feel that way every single time I'm on a sleep deprived high at a time when the sun has half risen?

I still wanna fuck all the boys. As do you. It's so scary how long we've lasted. It's so scary to imagine forever with you, but it's even worse to picture a world without you and me.

Or maybe you don't wanna fuck all the boys. Maybe I'm enough. Really? Am I really enough?

Rant #1

The day has long been over. For many a new day is about to begin. 5.34am in Melbourne, one assignment down, two tests studied for, two gym classes attended and one bill paid.

I should feel accomplished. But instead I feel distant from it all.

It's not like I can't figure out why. 

It's more like I don't wanna put my finger on it.

...let me go. 

Hope everyone's had a better day. And may your tomorrow be not full of shit. 

K's Recent Pleasures

....that does not include sex. (Attached, remember? Zzz)

I'm Not Yours - Angus and Julia Stone

It's so depressing, but depressing songs are my kinda therapy. Cry your heart out and feel better. That's the way I do it. This was my break-up song last year when the bf first dumped me (after he played me, that motherfucking bastard) and listening to it always brings me back to how I felt then. It feels as if I've cried everything onto this track, and those emotions will always linger on between every depressing chord.

(When listening to this I nonchalantly told the bf that this was the song I cried to when he broke my heart more than a year ago and he hugged me and kissed me and said he was sorry and that he would never do that again.... then I punched his crotch.)

Stay - Miley Cyrus

Yes it's a Miley Cyrus track. But it's much unlike whatever songs she's got on mainstream radio. It's actually really emotional and raw. For once I don't find her voice annoying, but instead appropriate. Listen to it. It'll remind you of your deepest heartache in those teenage years that have long slipped by. Like the teenage version of Adele... minus 20kg.

Sober - Kelly Clarkson

It was actually the second single off her My December album but it didn't really perform well so it's relatively unknown. It's an amazing song, really. Listen to her live versions on Youtube, her voice is so amazing towards the end when she belts her heart out. BUT listen to the album version too cause the strumming of the guitar and that haunting intro is just too good and it's different from all her live performances. 

Irvine - Kelly Clarkson

It's very dark. This isn't everyone's cup of tea but believe it or not it's my kinda song. I love this entire album, and although it kinda tanked commercially it's my favourite from her (which is saying a lot as I'm a diehard Kelly Clarkson Since-You-Been-Gone-Behind-These-Hazel-Eyes fan). I think it's very beautifully written, with a very poetic structure (but not as a poem though, as half a creative writing major I can tell you  those "good" poets would say that she's "telling too much and not showing enough").

Wide Awake - Katy Perry

As per a typical Katy Perry song, it has a well-formed tune with catchy hooks that will be stuck in your head. It's quite decent lyrically as well, and with this following the obviously addictive (yet oh so melancholic) TOTGA I find myself becoming quite a fan of hers!

In your shadow

I'm on the plane.

I know where everything is, how most of these things go, and while many are abroad with parents or guardians of some kind, I sit alone accompanied only by the shadow you've left behind.

Inevitably, my mind drifts off on its own adventure, imagining you on your many flights.. whether you were your usual cocky cool or if you were unusually nervous, whether you were sound asleep or if you are the type that finds it easier to fall in love than to fall asleep, whether you were alone or was someone with you.

Even now, when I know you're not alone, I wonder if you are lonely, deep down.

I've somewhat lost my acquired taste for Chardonnay, but predictably, the allure of free flow alcohol which MAS so generously pours into a contradicting small cup has gotten me tipsy (and just a wee bit emotional).

It's easier to see you with my eyes closed rather than open. So I turn on our song, order another glass of wine, and close my eyes.

p/s: Wrote this on my plane back to Melbs about 9 days ago. It is still relevant to my feelings today.

Fuck yea

Happy Valentines Day!

So first of at exactly 12 I called the bf to wish him and after a world of talking, he revealed to me that he was staying in Melbourne to do his masters... which means he'll be there for two more fucking years!! (Rather than just leave Melbourne by the end of this semester)

That's the best news I've heard so far. There has always been this deep-seated feeling of dread threatening to creep in every time I dare think of the future, but now I only feel relief (Or maybe the feeling has just been delayed another 2 years).

BEST VALENTINES DAY EVER!!

YESSSSSSSSS

As I Close My Eyes

Embracing the sounds that fill my ears, of melodies crafted from memories and lyrics formed in desperation, I sat in silence.

A succession of songs from this particular forbidden folder left me shaken and ever so slightly wrecked. Nostalgia can bring with it two contrasting sides of feelings, but I wasn't in between. I was stretched to both ends. I was smiling with the tears in my eyes.

As I close my eyes, a pictures blurs into mind. It's amazing how familiar a place I've only been to once can make me feel. Perhaps I associated it with you?

* * *

The sun was red, preparing to set. I walked out of that friend's house, into the back of your Myvi as you took the driver's seat, said friend next to you. Said friend had no clue of our 'relationship', if we would call it so. You sneaked a glance at me, through the rear view mirror. Meeting my eyes, you gave me that familiar warm smile that you did whenever you saw me. I looked away and gave a snide looking smirk.

Avoiding suspicion, you start chatting animatedly with your friend about how the weather might be a little chilly (true enough I had a fever later), followed by a video you guys uploaded to youtube, of you both playing the piano and violin respectively to a Jay Chou song by ear. You asked for my bitchy input on that bitch who insisted the both of you read the scores, which I happily gave (fucking jealous cibai!) without so much as a glance at you.

When you finally started the car, I turned to look at the back of your head, being sure that you would concentrate on driving and not look back. I decided to remember how you looked like from behind, as I did with the front, in silence, as your head bobbed up and down with the craggy roads of Muar, in sync with whatever it was you both were talking about now.

Again our eyes met, in the rear view mirror, in between bits of music related conversation. I bit my lip, to suppress a smile I could not contain, as we drove off into the sunset.

* * *

Out of all the songs we wrote, there's this one that still makes me cry. What can I say? You were almost two years of my life.

I tried to write a song for you

so that you could sing-a-long too

with my paper and my pen

pillow by my side, I was about to begin

and I wrote words on a piece of paper

these were things I would've told you later

lyrics from the bottom of my heart

but guess what?

you've torn it apart

stab me once, hurt me twice

and I don't

think you can just apologize

and I know you'll cry as you

arrange this song

just like me I know that you'd

feel so wrong

and maybe

someday I can finally say

that it's okay

it has faded away...

p/s: written ages ago, before I originally shut this blog down. Posting it now, cause I feel the same nostalgia.

You Made Me Feel Like I'm Livin' A Teenage Dream

So it was another regular, trainwrecking Saturday night. I went with your friend, and we had heart to heart talks in the car. We got ourselves the entry stamp, and did our routine of rushing back out to the car in the rain. We sat down, him sitting on your seat, and laying on where your head once laid. I took out our wine, and watched as he drank from your glass.

And we danced. He somehow planted a sneaky kiss on my neck, and followed with another on my cheeks, and then lips. He said that they're soft and so nice to connect to. I found comfort just laying in his arms, head on his chest. It's been so long since I last felt warm hands on my waist. It makes me think of the last time you held me in your arms.

I drove home in a blur, refusing to focus. Because these streets, they remind me of you.

Cause today,

That was yesterday,

Yesterday is over,

It's a different day,

Sounds like a broken record,

Playin' over

Just Like A Whirlwind

'So are we together?'

'Aren't we?'

'But you never officially asked me also'

'Kayson, would you be my boyfriend?'

Your arms, they were so warm. They wrapped around me, as your lips made contact with my cheeks. Your legs, they intertwined with mine. It was worth it, feeling so cold, just to have that satisfaction when you press yours against mine. Your fingers, playing with my hair and all the trouble I went through styling it. I didn't mind <3

There are many moments in life that imprint themselves on our hearts, without us knowing. This is one of those moments, that I know I will find myself immersed in nostalgia over years from now.

And when that memory creeps up on me, I will remember, that there was a time when we were so effortlessly compatible. There was a moment in time, when I thought that wow, we really were perfect together.
And when that memory finishes playing, I'll run through the entire episode inside my head, again and again, wondering if things could be different, wondering if I could've made a better choice, wondering if the entire episode, whether it really happened. And then I'll remember, how you lost me.

I don't think I've ever gave up this easily. I don't think I've ever been so distrusting, or so faithless. But this is me, the results of all the tears and shits that I've grown through. And at most, all I can do is apologize for scars I bear.

And at the end of the day, the best we can hope for is that we've got good memories, like this, that last us a life time. Because I absolutely believe in this one fact.




Nothing lasts forever.