A Reminder

"What's that "X" on the back of your hand about?"

It's to remind me to forget you, to move on. It's about how much I want you and how much I can't show that I want you. It's about not seeming pathetic in front of people. It's about how torn up I am about you, and how you will never know. It's about how I'm dying to talk to you, but I'd end up emotionally dead if I do. It's about moving on. It's about you.

"It's a reminder for me to quit smoking."

Stranger

I sat on my balcony, thinking about the ex's imminent departure. He came for a month to be with me, and all my worst fears have come true, that we would get close again, that I would be emotionally attached. I didn't deal with it so well the last time, and I dread what would become of me in two days. 

It's happening again. I can feel it, the tears partially forming behind my eyes, and it scares me. Why did I let you stay with me. Why? I just moved into my new apartment, and it's already tainted with memories of us. I regret letting that happen, but I guess I would regret not being with you while you were here even more. I chose the lesser pain.

 

I was finally okay. I could breath again. The world was bright and sunny. I was happy. I generally am.. Before I let some guy come into my world and leave it tattered again. 

But you're not some guy. In some ways we've been together, albeit emotionally, for two years now. Some days I feel like you're not important anymore, like I've moved on. And the next I'm lying in bed having realizations that you are the one. Fuck me. 

We bicker, we fight, we make each other cry but we also make each other happy. You make me smile, you make me feel loved, you know me better than I let you believe you do. We are two pieces of a whole. And you're leaving again. 

I saw a stranger walk to the tramstop. Just for that moment, it was me and him. He looked sad, and seemed to be crying. I am sad, and I am crying. It's a fucking cold night and I considered asking if he needed some shelter just for an hour till the tram comes. Then I went back inside and laid next to you.

Tomorrow is our last night. 

I will always love you baby

Even when I've moved on

Jeremy

I measure my time in Malaysia by the number of visits I've made to Marketplace. It's not the place it used to be (4 years ago when I was 16) but there's honestly no where else to go on a (not really) slutty Saturday night. Somehow this would always be the special place for me. And also because I'm one of those people who are losers deep down in need of the most frivolous of validation.

It's been three weeks now, including a visit to Frangipani (it was closed, but thankfully I bumped into some friends who decided to open bottles in their newly renovated downstairs bar-cafe instead). Week after week I found affirmation in the attention of not-so-eligible men, be it simply due to their looks (I am ashamed, but I seek comfort in a face I can wake up next to everyday without vomiting into my presumably favorite pillow), their education level, their job, their confidence, their age or.. their brains (you'd be surprised the shit some thoroughly educated people can spew, but for modesty's sake it could just be my lack of intelligence instead).

Last week before adjourning to the mamak next door I actually met someone decent. My friends wanted to do one last "round" (like cougars on their last prowls of the night) but I wanted to just sit aside and enjoy my Midori Illusion, so I waited alone. The subtle difference between looking like a friendless lost loser and an eligible individual craving a moment's solitude (besides the eligibility) is the confident (yet friendly), subtle smile, hinting of a wandering mind. I've always thought that I had it down but an approaching stranger begged to differ.

"Why so lonely? You look sad."

And thus began a rather enjoyable conversation, beginning with the explanation that it's my default face (sad eyes, like how the ex said etc) moving onto different fields of conversation.

"I bet many people have told you that you're really cute. So I won't. But you're the kind of adorable I'd love to hug and kiss everyday."

And (although I begged to differ, self-esteem issues *sigh*) of course I reciprocated, telling him he's not so bad himself. And that it wasn't his looks alone, he had the entire package - the confidence, the swagger, the charm. So I fished deeper into the conversation in search of more information - where he lived (by extension what kind of house he lived in, and thus what kind of family he might have), what he was studying... and where he was studying.

"London." 

"It's a great place, you should come visit."

"I'll bring you around."

He did have the entire package. Of course it had to be London. Of all fucking places.

My friends soon returned and it was time to leave. Before leaving he asked me if he could have my number, and I could feel my friends eyeing me eagerly from behind.

"Perhaps not, I'm not available, emotionally anyway. Still feeling attached to someone." I replied, smiling in the hopes that I wouldn't sound snobbish.

"Maybe next time?" He asked slyly.

*

Later at the mamak, amidst ignorable chit-chat, I found myself secretly hoping that he would walk pass on his way to the car and say hi again or something, but I guess he parked at the carpark opposite MP instead. On the car ride home my mind replayed the entire episode, wondering if I said the right thing.




"Maybe."

Goodbye, Again

**X or The-One-Who-Got-Away will henceforth be known as J. X is too cliche and ultimately, he didn't get away after all. 

So anyway J was back in KL the last 2 weeks. It was the usual clubbing clubbing clubbing, of endless alcohol and the usual druken emotional outrage. Surprisingly, the outrage came from J this time. It's usually me.

I've always known that in the end I will always be somewhat important to him, like how he is to me. It's the vague, what-was, what-could-have been-but-unfortunately-we-went-on-to-fuck-other-people-instead kind of love. It was so amazing when it happened, sparks flew, I was 15 all over again and he was that fairytale that I long gave up on - but we were going separate ways. I was willing to try, but he wasn't, and somehow that translated into me being the clingy one and him being the strong one who cares just a little less. He said he didn't want to ruin the first time, to ruin the honeymoon period being continents apart. We would continue to drag this one for a long time, and about a year into it he told me he loved me.

But even that was more than a year and a half ago.

So I guess it was good to hear that again, after so long. To just receive a light kiss and a brief hug as additional assurance of sincerity.

Yesterday he boarded for London.

Soon I will be back in Melbourne.

And like before, we will be worlds apart.

Goodbye, again.

Exam Stress

Overwhelmed.

I don't want to ignore you. I don't want to forget you. I don't want to have to give you up. I don't want to move on.

I miss you. I wish you were here. I think about us all the time. I think about everything you've said to me.

I'm sorry I'm not brave enough to flat-out ignore you. I'm sorry I just feign disinterest in everything you say. I'm sorry I always pretend to be busy. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry.

I'm sorry for wishing that it hurts you more than it hurts me.

You will always have a special place in my heart, despite almost a whole year being happy with Sean. And I wish you didn't. I just want you gone. Sean deserves all of me.

This is me, at 2am in the library, studying, armed with Jim Bean and Coke, waging a war against the tears that hide behind my eyes.

This is me, on my knees, losing the fight; as that lone teardrop curiously rolls down my right cheek.

Jian.....

The Dilemmas I Face When I'm Too Free

So a few weeks back two of my straight friends (a couple) went with me to MP for k-pop night (it was boomz). While the boyfriend was chatting with the inevitable letdown (that's quite a mouthful lol) and his bf, the girl was dancing and I went to check on her while heading to the toilet.

She was dancing with this really hot guy. Handsome face, buff (but not overly buff) body.. omg jealous max. When she spotted me I shouted over the music to ask if she was okay. She said she was and winked at me... and then so did he.

"Your friend is very pretty!"

"I know right," I replied, turning towards my friend to catch her blush.

"You're very cute too," he said, before leaning towards me over the rails (I was elevated as I was on the stairs, while he was on the dance floor, regular MP attendees should know what I mean), and giving me a hug. He also snuck a kiss on my neck in. "My name's Kenneth!"

Caught off-guard but not to lose my cool, "So are you, I'm Kayson." I smiled the best I could (full on dimples and all) and he reciprocated with another. I said I had to go pee and I walked away reluctantly.

Soon after we were talking to this guy who somehow just sat down with us (D) and suddenly his friends arrived, all drunk and looked very much like they were about to pass-out. The guy from the dance floor was one of them.

That was the end of that night.

The other day while browsing (not stalking!!!!!) through D's FB timeline I spotted Kenneth.

Perhaps I'm too free, but these past few days I've been in a dilemma whether to add him or not! I mean, just to be friends, nothing more. What's the point, you ask?


HE'S FUCKING HOT LA

Akin to this standard, seriously. Stolen it off Eric's blog. Teehee

What do I doooooooo

Pangs

I am going to write about something which might piss some people off. And that is something I somewhat enjoy doing, so fuck you! Haha.

FUCK I'm horny. It's been three months of long-distance-relationship-ness, and I am very tempted to cheat. At first I just got on Grindr because firstly, my bf went on it first, and secondly, to hopefully quench thirst through distant waters or some bullshit like that.

There is too much temptation.

Wanking off doesn't help for long.

Random roadside aunty called me yong sui.

Balls are very blue.

Dick is very hard.

Ass is very itchy.

Goodnight.

Underneath It All

So I was in Bali.

The sun was appropriately sunny, scorching down upon the feast of hot white men while I hide behind sunnies and a tequila sunrise. Most young Caucasians, despite my deep-seated Asian preferences, are undeniably good looking. Some of the older ones are toned and have that sexy, rugged daddy look, but most are just kinda.. meh. Not my cup of tea.

I was wearing this pair of red swim shorts over these pair of white speedos. The red shorts I got half-price at some factory outlet place in Melbourne. The white speedos I've owned since I was 15, from my days of competitive swimming, that I've not worn before. I remember buying it cause it was just so fucking sexy la. You always see those jap boys with fucking hot bodies wearing them in porn (teehee).

When I first arrived, two guys walked pass, one blonde and the other had dark hair. The blonde was donning Raybans and turned around to look at me a few times. That same blonde walked pass, while I was playing cards with my dad, aunt and uncle and smiled at me. I reluctantly smiled back, afraid my family would notice but god it felt amazing to get attention.

When I finally got some wifi, the first thing I did was get back on Facebook, reply stuff on twitter.. before finally turning Grindr on. Are there always these many gay men in Bali?!

You were in another country.

I wish I didn't care.

Black Rose

Backdrop perfect, colors strong
It came too close to a full bloom
Moments right that turned out wrong
Left the lone black rose to a mourning moon

Gaps between fingers now unfilled
Another rose red now exists
Between two smiles memories sealed
Watching it bloom within our midst

Letting go isn't moving on
Moving on isn't moving forward
Beauty cherished before its gone
These petals fall gracefully, feigning comfort

Darkness swallows what was whole
Blood red buds eclipse what was
No more us against the world
No more world to be against us

A somber stem will remain
Adamantly lasting as rosebud dies
Perhaps someday blooming again
Perhaps someday a fading goodbye

Backdrop perfect, colors strong
Immaculately fitting for one bloody bloom
Moments right that didn't belong
Left the lone black rose to a wilting moon.

**I do not own the picture**

And We Will Never Be The Same

That moment when you realize you don't matter anymore.

Two years down the road.

Things have changed.

So we're not still the same.

We're not who we were.

I can't remember if we're at where we hoped to be.

I can't remember if all that was said was a real memory,

or just a vivid reverie.

Distance is such a contradiction.

Priorities have changed.

It's not us against the world anymore,

issit? ;' )

Happy Two Years. You still haunt me everyday even as a memory. 

The Reason Why

My flight is in 9 hours. It is almost 6.30 in the morning. I had not slept, probably due to excitement at the thought of heading home. To the thought of seeing you. I had waited for this moment for a long time.

I don't wanna point fingers. I don't wanna blame you. I don't wanna fight. I don't wanna argue. I don't wanna say the things we both know are better left unsaid. I don't wanna complicate things.

'Whatever la'

I guess somewhere deep down, you will always be my inevitable letdown.

Something that's been haunting me

We roll in bed. You kiss me softly on the back of my neck, hugging me tighter as I snuggle against you. You turn me around, kiss me on the forehead, cheek and lips, saying "baby you're so cute" between kisses.

If the day comes when I'm no longer the cute me you claim to adore, would you still love me?

Or would you cringe in disgust at the thought of two uncles kissing, being intimate or loving each other?

Cause I would.

The One That Got Away

I think everyone's blogging about this video now, probably cause everybody can relate. There's always the one that got away, like for me, the guy I mentioned in the last post (whom I gave all my love to and didn't stay).

I mean, we're still in contact. I would consider him one of my closest gay friends, and that we always have each other's back despite the gossips and stuff that we might hear. We talk about our bfs, me telling him the sweet moments and him telling me the drunk ones (he is responsible for my alcoholism) (ah the sweet old days when he would feed an initially unwilling me Macallan's through a long, wet kiss). We skype (the last time just yesterday) and I'd comment on how fat he's gotten while he would tell me how I look like those lalaboys from Sungai Wang with my hairstyle. We compare dick sizes of people we've seen (or got to know..personally). We bitch about anyone and everyone.

Watching this video made me cry. I just cannot picture my bf leaving, being the one who got away. But I guess for now, you still hold that title.

And you will always be important to me.