My Dear Boyfriend

Disclaimer: You know that moment when you're not feeling yourself and all the emotions that you have ever experienced decide to come together and flood you over until all you can manage are dishevelled dramatic words formed from thoughts that shoot further than cum after a week long's abstinence? Yes this is that moment. Contrary to popular belief, we are actually happy together. Hehe

Hello, this is me at 6.59am in the morning. That nap between my assignments before cut my sleep short, and I have hence been awake since 2. I am dying to fall asleep for my 2pm tute. But I want to write this all down before I feel differently.

You've spent the last 3 nights with me. And as I lay awake on my bed, snuggled under the covers, fan blowing towards me, Bree desperately trying to save her marriage (rewatching the first season, I am) on the flat-screen, it hit me. 

I wanna be with you. I want to be with you until circumstances tear us apart. This is the realization that I need you. This is the epiphany that my life could be so content and meaningful yet so empty without you.

This is me saying I love you at 7.05am in the morning.

Or maybe this is me on a sleep deprived high that fades after some z-s.

Yeah, this is probably that. But would it make it different if I feel that way every single time I'm on a sleep deprived high at a time when the sun has half risen?

I still wanna fuck all the boys. As do you. It's so scary how long we've lasted. It's so scary to imagine forever with you, but it's even worse to picture a world without you and me.

Or maybe you don't wanna fuck all the boys. Maybe I'm enough. Really? Am I really enough?

Sub-standard Kayson

Is it normal to feel inadequate and outwardly-subpar (read : ugly & fat) at 5am in the morning?

I've been attracting quite a few cute guys on Jack'd (don't judge me.. Leonut's using it too!) (plus me and my bf are both on it to ogle at hot guys and stuff and we have each other's permission and blah blah). But the thing is my Jack'd picture is not of my face (no face pics at all, in fact), just a few pics of my body. 

Surprisingly, there are a few who weren't looking for sex (I usually tell them I'm attached and that I'm just here for friends after like two exchanges hehe). They actually liked what was written on my profile. 

Obviously after a while they want to put a face on that body so they ask. Ugh and I get so reluctant to send them my face pics cause fuck la I so ugly compared to them. But anyway I did reveal my face to one or two or five cutie pies. 

And then they ask me out for coffee. Shit lol. 

I guess friendship has gotta start from somewhere but what if I don't live up to their expectations.

The Bf tells me I'm stupid and that I'm gorgeous but fuck his opinion he's obligated to say that (or I withhold sex). 

I posted "Plastic surgery gmh" on Gives Me Hope once (go read it, it's actually quite... errr heart-warming at times).

Stupid optimistic people ("the FML for optimists!") are actually really creative when it comes to insults.

Yes that was me.

Fuck me and my superficial childish problems. I'll be reborn a hungry African child in my next life. At least I don't have to worry about being skinny then. 

Ok stop. My life is amazing. I'm happy everyday *throws mirror at housemate who is currently having sex*

Ivan

I first met Ivan when I was 16. He was making out with WY, another guy who I believe totally fucked his own life up. He had a reputation for being somewhat of an asshole, and from the first moment he talked to me, I could've have agreed more.

WY asked me for a goodbye kiss, and I obliged. He stuck his tongue inside me and ravaged my mouth. I went along; I didn't really know what constituted a great kiss then. Ivan, having spent the entire night talking to WY (fishing for a ONS apparently) was opposite us and seemed jealous ("Where's mine?").

He took my phone and left himself a missed call. I was admittedly turned on by this confidence, but I wasn't gonna give him that satisfaction. So when he refused to give me his name, I just saved his name under "Lanci" (arrogant, in canto) for future references, promptly walking away. 

Eventually we did go out quite a few times. We went to watch movies, to cybercafes for afternoons of DotA, to talk. He was still an asshole, I guess, but sometimes his softer side shone through. I could tell he was trying to be nice. Once he slept over at my place. We watched Grey's Anatomy till I fell asleep on his chest. His dick was huge (he showed me, that fucking cocky bastard). We didn't have sex. 

He would sometimes lash out at me. He insisted I was just playing with him. That I was just getting him to lower his guard so he would slip. He threatened that if I repeated any of the "mushy sensitive" stuff he said to me in confidence he would "fucking beat me up".When asked why he told me I was too good for him. He wasn't particularly handsome. He didn't have a hot body. He wasn't even nice to me at the start.  Once he called me a "fucking cheebye loser" and ended up spending the entire night convincing me I wasn't. So... why?

I guess I liked him then. He kept telling me to not fall in love with him. But it was pretty much the other way around, him being really attached to me. He was especially protective of me, and when people spoke ill of him I spoke up and stood his ground.. so I think I was pretty protective of him too. I think I had feelings for him. I was sure he had them for me, though.

Anyway, eventually I got sick of all his bullshit and mindgames. I think I hurt him real bad when I told him I had enough; that he wasn't worth it anymore. I told him I was sorry for saying that. I think he cried. I think that was the moment I became a cold-hearted bitch. 

We somehow drifted apart after then. And many guys later, we're still friends. It's been 5 years now and we've both grown. He's changed dramatically though. He's nice now. Everyone likes him. He's nice to everyone. Me included.

I don't know why I typed this. I was reminiscing, I guess, and I thought of him. He wasn't a fucking great deal of my life, but I miss him. And somewhere deep down, I guess I feel like I lost him. The him that was mine, anyway. 

It's selfish of me, but I wish he was still a well-hated jerk who was only nice to me (at times). I look at him and it brings me back to all the feelings I've long forgotten. I want to feel those emotions all over again. 

But he has changed. And so have I. For the better or for worst, it makes me want to cry. 

Worn Off

Three months of long distance has made me and the bf restless, volatile and tired.

Him going off to China and UK and wherever four months from now would be the death of our relationship.

In 3 weeks, I will be back in Melbourne. Where we will have another four months to spend together.

But as of today, I'm relatively numb. The worse is over, and if we break up now I'd be relatively okay. But I want that four months we still have in Melbourne. At the cost of getting hurt again when he leaves for good, however, is it worth it?

Where do we go from here.

Something that's been haunting me

We roll in bed. You kiss me softly on the back of my neck, hugging me tighter as I snuggle against you. You turn me around, kiss me on the forehead, cheek and lips, saying "baby you're so cute" between kisses.

If the day comes when I'm no longer the cute me you claim to adore, would you still love me?

Or would you cringe in disgust at the thought of two uncles kissing, being intimate or loving each other?

Cause I would.