As I Close My Eyes

Embracing the sounds that fill my ears, of melodies crafted from memories and lyrics formed in desperation, I sat in silence.

A succession of songs from this particular forbidden folder left me shaken and ever so slightly wrecked. Nostalgia can bring with it two contrasting sides of feelings, but I wasn't in between. I was stretched to both ends. I was smiling with the tears in my eyes.

As I close my eyes, a pictures blurs into mind. It's amazing how familiar a place I've only been to once can make me feel. Perhaps I associated it with you?

* * *

The sun was red, preparing to set. I walked out of that friend's house, into the back of your Myvi as you took the driver's seat, said friend next to you. Said friend had no clue of our 'relationship', if we would call it so. You sneaked a glance at me, through the rear view mirror. Meeting my eyes, you gave me that familiar warm smile that you did whenever you saw me. I looked away and gave a snide looking smirk.

Avoiding suspicion, you start chatting animatedly with your friend about how the weather might be a little chilly (true enough I had a fever later), followed by a video you guys uploaded to youtube, of you both playing the piano and violin respectively to a Jay Chou song by ear. You asked for my bitchy input on that bitch who insisted the both of you read the scores, which I happily gave (fucking jealous cibai!) without so much as a glance at you.

When you finally started the car, I turned to look at the back of your head, being sure that you would concentrate on driving and not look back. I decided to remember how you looked like from behind, as I did with the front, in silence, as your head bobbed up and down with the craggy roads of Muar, in sync with whatever it was you both were talking about now.

Again our eyes met, in the rear view mirror, in between bits of music related conversation. I bit my lip, to suppress a smile I could not contain, as we drove off into the sunset.

* * *

Out of all the songs we wrote, there's this one that still makes me cry. What can I say? You were almost two years of my life.

I tried to write a song for you

so that you could sing-a-long too

with my paper and my pen

pillow by my side, I was about to begin

and I wrote words on a piece of paper

these were things I would've told you later

lyrics from the bottom of my heart

but guess what?

you've torn it apart

stab me once, hurt me twice

and I don't

think you can just apologize

and I know you'll cry as you

arrange this song

just like me I know that you'd

feel so wrong

and maybe

someday I can finally say

that it's okay

it has faded away...

p/s: written ages ago, before I originally shut this blog down. Posting it now, cause I feel the same nostalgia.