Fuck Buddy

I've been seeing L for about three weeks now and it's been pretty good and all. We get along well and are at a fairly reasonable level of friendship. The first time he stayed over we were just watching a movie when he made a move on me, pulling my mouth close and sticking his tongue in it. That was a good night.

He's been over a few times and aside from hanging out and stuff we've obviously been having sex. That's a no brainer. And it's pretty obvious that I kinda have a thing for him. I don't know if he feels the same though.

He was tipsy in the city earlier and came over to crash, all depressed and shit. I've heard him slip up before but this time he managed to drag my spirits down with him. I was making such an effort, even outside of tonight, and I'm not sure if it ever works anymore. It really makes me question how.. positive of an effect I can have on people. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So I gave him some sleeping pills and tucked him into bed. He wanted to hug me to sleep but I just wasn't in the mood, I needed vodka. And orange snappe (or however you spell it).

Smoking on the balcony (I smoke now, that's how much I've fucked myself up), sweet alcoholic beverage in hand, I contemplated the vast skyline. I felt emotionally heavy, like all the excess baggage I left at the some airport of emotions finally caught up with me. My ex, him leaving, me begging.. I was the one who broke up with him due to the unavoidable circumstances.. but the truth is if our love was enough it wouldn't be inevitable, distance wouldn't affect us.. He was the one who truly dumped me.

I made a decision to just be friends with L. And I realized how stupid it was to have taken pictures of us both topless together, on the bed. Sometimes you get so eager to move on with life, your mind forces you too hard into the hands of that potential someone - even if you've just met him, and you do fucking dumb things.

I turned his phone on, minimized Facebook and while searching for the pictures stumbled across his messages. One in particular caught my eye, and I couldn't resist. He was such an enigma, really, that I had to stoop this low for my own peace of mind.

I cringed while reaching for the gallery icon.

& In just a few minutes, happy moments frozen in times were erased from physical existence.

But fuck my ridiculously unforgiving memory

And fuck my sweet ass too bitches

cause I'm a fucking fuck buddy.

Apologize

I'm not going to deny that I enjoy the attention I get whenever someone shows an interest. Neither would I deny that I enjoy the chase, the coy interactions two people share when in that stage. But I always make things clear, and state explicitly when something would never happen.

Rejections are never easy, both to give and take. Nobody likes the tedious task of saying no, or the wrenching acceptance of dejection, and maybe that's why so many people choose to just ignore the other party until they get a clue and let whatever's happened slowly fade away. But I'm not that kind of person, and I make it a point to say things clearly. I think of it as a courtesy, as basic human manners. When someone dares to bare their inner feelings, when they take that chance, it's one thing to crush it straight upfront, but it's another thing to just let it be crushed slowly and without respect.

But that's my ultimate problem isn't it?

When I make it clear that it isn't happening - I'm a bitch. I think I'm too good for you. Never mind that I've never said anything of that sort, or even behaved in a way that implies it - let's just assume it. Let's just assume that when someone doesn't want to be with you, it is because the other person thinks he's better than you, that he can do better. There isn't any other reason. Who cares about compatibility, right?

When I pretend to be oblivious - I'm also a bitch. Cause I'm obviously too smart to not know, and I should have said something. No, not subtly implying that it wouldn't happen, of course not, say it outright. To my face. Preferably without any of your friends and just mine that I insisted be there, so I can have them help twist the obviously fake apology into something worthy of an Adele song. Yes, you should be the next star of my dramatic life.

And then there are those that take my... attempts at being a nice person as something more. If it's something more you will know it's something more. If it's not, it's not. Stop trying to contort my friendliness into some flirtatious slutty shit. I'm bubbly, like the champagne your father probably drank that made him forget to put a condom on when he conceived you. What a waste of desperate sperm.

Almost 3 years now. You still at it? I could go on. But guess what?

I AM better than you.

Retrospect

Sometimes when you look back all you can say is

"I'm sorry for the things I've done and the person I've been."

And sometimes it's just

"fuck you and fuck your fucking asshole"

Knifed in the Back

(to be read in one breath)

There's this really nice girl that IS sincerely a really nice girl who I got kinda close with and then one day she confronted me about being gay so I told her over wine and then told her she wasn't allowed to tell anyone and I found out she told her best friend and another guy and now I can't even look at her my trust is betrayed now all I wanna do is to do nothing to her because she's still a nice girl but I just can't be friends with her anymore.

$%^ Why can't you just be a motherfucking bitch, nice-girl-bitch?!