The Chase of Temporary Highs

There're somethings I really have to say, not for anyone else, but for myself. I chose to let this cannon loose here for the sole reason that I write best under the possible judgment of another's eyes. Preferably anonymous.

I am an individual who has a penchant for chasing all the wrong feelings. This somehow extended to weed, and eventually at Stereosonic I went harder. I exercised control even while under the influence, but I still partied two days. Two pills. And then some.

I became the bad influence my parents warned me about. With my values twisted, even my best intentions warped into negativity. I was negative. I always was, but drowning my sorrows with various vices I fell into a hole I honestly don't know if I could've escaped alone.

I'm drawn to problematic individuals, friends with various issues, with the only consistency being that they drowned their sorrows too. Together we traversed down a road paved before us. At first it was fun, liberating myself from the haunting voices inside my head. Then it plateaued,  and I felt the voice of reason pull me back. I was scared, despite the enormous love amongst us. This love we had for one another brought us deeper into the hands of the pleasures we lost ourselves in.

Earlier today, I caved and submitted to my cravings. It was too readily available. The marijuana made me uneasy, uncomfortable. I wanted it to end. Deep down I was thankful that I developed this aversion. I've been there, to the darkest, deepest pits of ganja wasteland and I know it doesn't make me happy. I'm done.

So why did I do it again? I don't know. I cannot explain it. I can only be glad I regretted it.

For the longest of time, "the chase of temporary highs" was the tagline of choice on many of my profiles. It came naturally to me, and I didn't think much of it, but that really was my life. That really was me. Is me. I don't know. Internal conflicts are the worse, and the driving force fuelling my then out-of-control habits.

Enough is enough K.

A Reminder

"What's that "X" on the back of your hand about?"

It's to remind me to forget you, to move on. It's about how much I want you and how much I can't show that I want you. It's about not seeming pathetic in front of people. It's about how torn up I am about you, and how you will never know. It's about how I'm dying to talk to you, but I'd end up emotionally dead if I do. It's about moving on. It's about you.

"It's a reminder for me to quit smoking."

Stranger

I sat on my balcony, thinking about the ex's imminent departure. He came for a month to be with me, and all my worst fears have come true, that we would get close again, that I would be emotionally attached. I didn't deal with it so well the last time, and I dread what would become of me in two days. 

It's happening again. I can feel it, the tears partially forming behind my eyes, and it scares me. Why did I let you stay with me. Why? I just moved into my new apartment, and it's already tainted with memories of us. I regret letting that happen, but I guess I would regret not being with you while you were here even more. I chose the lesser pain.

 

I was finally okay. I could breath again. The world was bright and sunny. I was happy. I generally am.. Before I let some guy come into my world and leave it tattered again. 

But you're not some guy. In some ways we've been together, albeit emotionally, for two years now. Some days I feel like you're not important anymore, like I've moved on. And the next I'm lying in bed having realizations that you are the one. Fuck me. 

We bicker, we fight, we make each other cry but we also make each other happy. You make me smile, you make me feel loved, you know me better than I let you believe you do. We are two pieces of a whole. And you're leaving again. 

I saw a stranger walk to the tramstop. Just for that moment, it was me and him. He looked sad, and seemed to be crying. I am sad, and I am crying. It's a fucking cold night and I considered asking if he needed some shelter just for an hour till the tram comes. Then I went back inside and laid next to you.

Tomorrow is our last night. 

I will always love you baby

Even when I've moved on

Alone

It was fucking noisy in the tram, and the atmosphere was fantastic. Arrived home at 12.30am after work. Walked into my apartment and stripped down to my underwear because no one's around anyway. Eating my dinner with an unwashed fork from yesterday. Sighing to myself before I start on my assignment. Feels like yesterday.

Yesterday. And the day before. Who the fuck clubs on a Thursday night? Me. And who clubs again the next day? Me. Made many new friends, and many new friends. Somehow ended up at the playground nearby Peel. I somewhat enjoyed the solitude. It's so weird how you can be around so many people and yet feel so alone.

After getting off the taxi, we said goodbye and went separate ways. And then I walk home.

Alone

again

P/s: Happy CNY!

Strangely, this song makes me sad. Kinda.

So much more to say but fuck that. Assignments due, work tomorrow, and a high school gathering I can't be bothered going to but am obligated to. Gonna sleep while I'm still drunk.

Fuck Buddy

I've been seeing L for about three weeks now and it's been pretty good and all. We get along well and are at a fairly reasonable level of friendship. The first time he stayed over we were just watching a movie when he made a move on me, pulling my mouth close and sticking his tongue in it. That was a good night.

He's been over a few times and aside from hanging out and stuff we've obviously been having sex. That's a no brainer. And it's pretty obvious that I kinda have a thing for him. I don't know if he feels the same though.

He was tipsy in the city earlier and came over to crash, all depressed and shit. I've heard him slip up before but this time he managed to drag my spirits down with him. I was making such an effort, even outside of tonight, and I'm not sure if it ever works anymore. It really makes me question how.. positive of an effect I can have on people. I haven't felt this way in a long time. So I gave him some sleeping pills and tucked him into bed. He wanted to hug me to sleep but I just wasn't in the mood, I needed vodka. And orange snappe (or however you spell it).

Smoking on the balcony (I smoke now, that's how much I've fucked myself up), sweet alcoholic beverage in hand, I contemplated the vast skyline. I felt emotionally heavy, like all the excess baggage I left at the some airport of emotions finally caught up with me. My ex, him leaving, me begging.. I was the one who broke up with him due to the unavoidable circumstances.. but the truth is if our love was enough it wouldn't be inevitable, distance wouldn't affect us.. He was the one who truly dumped me.

I made a decision to just be friends with L. And I realized how stupid it was to have taken pictures of us both topless together, on the bed. Sometimes you get so eager to move on with life, your mind forces you too hard into the hands of that potential someone - even if you've just met him, and you do fucking dumb things.

I turned his phone on, minimized Facebook and while searching for the pictures stumbled across his messages. One in particular caught my eye, and I couldn't resist. He was such an enigma, really, that I had to stoop this low for my own peace of mind.

I cringed while reaching for the gallery icon.

& In just a few minutes, happy moments frozen in times were erased from physical existence.

But fuck my ridiculously unforgiving memory

And fuck my sweet ass too bitches

cause I'm a fucking fuck buddy.

The Problem With Gay Friends

Believe it or not, most of my friends are straight guys and girls. I have friends who hang out predominantly with gay guys and the drama is unbelievable. Usually, they've fucked each and every other person in their respective groups (and hence drama often unfolding soon after).

For example, take the Doppelganger's group - they're a good example. After being tight-knit for ages, the treacherous web of flirtatious, ambiguous feelings and blowjobs has torn them apart - threeways. Dopple and then bf has broken up (lots of dishonesty and betrayal apparently), tearing the group into two, and Dopple is pretty much my best friend these days. Loads more drama there, but I digress. The point is they're not on good terms anymore.

So I try to get to know people outside of groups. It's easier, less intimidating, and the two of us can actually get to really talk and.. attempt a connection that requires no bodily fluids. Especially since I'm back in Melbs during the summer (where Asians are scarce and you feel emptiness out of your ass), I've been about meeting people.

Crossing out the ones that I don't think I could be friends withthe brainless and the creepy, you actually do find a few nice guys (not taking their faces or bodies into account la). The both of you can actually talk on a non-patronizing level and enjoy each other's company. You guys hang out, go to dinner, watch a movie, and you secretly tell yourself you're glad you had the balls to say hi on Jack'd before dismissing him as someone not worth bothering with.

And then it happens.

You go for a movie, and halfway through he suddenly holds your hand. You go clubbing, and suddenly he's jealous you're dancing with someone else, face darker than the mold on the bread my disgusting ex-housemate didn't toss out while getting the fuck out of my apartment. Or maybe you guys were just hanging out casually, watching 2 Broke Girls on the laptop when he suddenly sticks his tongue down your throat.

He wants something more -sexually or emotionally you can't be sure, but if that delightful prod behind my left thigh was any indication, he wouldn't be sure until he fucks you.

This has happened twice in the last 3 weeks.

I had sex on both occasions and rather enjoyed it. But that's also besides the point LOL.

Maybe cause we're all guys (horny bitches) and besides both parties being more willing than girls there's always this possibility of falling in love and being together. And sex too, that gets in the way (of my ass) a lot. I really wouldn't mind but somehow, perhaps cause of the awkwardness of having had sex, or the shame of confessing certain things you normally wouldn't, or maybe just plain ol' unreciprocated feelings, that very close friend you were so glad to have made would just be another fling in your distant past. And someday down the line you'll meet each other again through some mutual friend, or perhaps at a place you both used to frequent, and the acknowledgement of acquaintance for someone you used to spend hours texting would actually be a dilemma.

Either way one of you would give in to the nostalgia, while the other vehemently denies the affair from their existences. No one wins, everyone is left empty at the end, like a bottle of whiskey after its contents have been enjoyed: hungover, and left to wonder if the entire episode ever happened.

2013

I made it. That incident is now officially 4 years ago, and while life was once so derailed I have to admit that it's been pretty good the last few years. 2012 was amazing, and as it became obvious that while life got no easier, the way that I perceive it has changed. It's a good thing.

Thinking back onto the number of new year posts written since I've started blogging (since 2006 - a staggering 6 years ago wtf) I can't help to gag a bit at my propensity to write long-ass monologues, so I'm going to keep it simple this year: just resolutions.

1) Not to fuck shit up at Uni
(to continue to do well with my studies) and get into honors hopefully, gotta keep those H1's (my Uni's highest attainable grade la) coming.

2) To be sexy as fuck naked
..My body's at a good place right now and I'm supposed to be doing a "test" photoshoot for my friend. But I know too well how temporary this state can be and... I vow to maintain it and not give in to temptation too much.

3) To keep family ties..tied
My relationship with my parents and every fucking person who matters have been good. Let's just hope this goes on.

4) To have fun and to always use a condom
Like usual la, I always use a condom anyway but let's just keep it up.

5) To be happy
Self-explanatory.