The Things I Can No Longer Tell You

..not because I don't want to. But I'm afraid it'd only make you feel guilty. So here I am.

So it's been a busy week. Presentations, exams, one after the other. But I got through it, and the usual rompy Tuesday brought about a rather different outcome. Because I'll always get through it, because my life is always good.

You're like that distant memory, definitely hidden from the surface, but you creep up ever so often, and every time you do I make that extra effort to push you back into that little box I've confined you in inside my mind.

My heart, is a different matter altogether.

* * *

So Tuesday, as usual, was a trip to the gym followed by a swim at the usual pool. Of course, swimming isn't the only prerogative whenever such a place is visited. I wasn't horny, but I found myself driving there regardless. I hope I'm not becoming somewhat of an addict.

Tired as I was, both physically and emotionally, I just sat there in the locker room, too lazy to change out of my speedos, too drained to react to any suggestive glances and hand signals my way. Then this rather attractive guy, with a slightly above average muscular, swimmer's body sat in front of me. And there we sat, him facing the wall, me facing his..sexy back.

He was drinking some sort of red energy drink(which I later learnt, is Ribena), and soon he stood up, put his towel on and removed his speedos. I looked, and I our eyes met a couple of times, until he finally smiled at me. Eventually, we both just changed and walked out of the changing room, and out of the complex entirely. He offered to drive me to my car.

We made out, and my he is a good kisser. I spoke to him in Chinese, cause that was what was written on his face. The Chinese look, and he had that accent that only people who primarily speak in Chinese have, the accent untainted by the west. (Turns out he speaks perfect English too, and no we did not fuck.)

After an incident where this guy I hooked up with in the bathroom kept stalking me, insisting how in love he is with me after just one encounter, I've made a decision to not give them my number or name or whatsoever that might allow them to contact me. But this guy, he made me feel so comfortable, even through just talking. Eventually, we exchanged numbers and he messaged me as soon as I got home, adding me on msn and Facebook.

Today, we went for a swim together, at somewhere different. It was so quite, and the moon was quite a sight. Completely round, and shining brightly - just like how I used to feel. Cause sadly, I told him what X told me before all the feelings came up.

'I'm not looking for a relationship here.'

His name is Cedric. And I miss you.