Rant #1

The day has long been over. For many a new day is about to begin. 5.34am in Melbourne, one assignment down, two tests studied for, two gym classes attended and one bill paid.

I should feel accomplished. But instead I feel distant from it all.

It's not like I can't figure out why. 

It's more like I don't wanna put my finger on it.

...let me go. 

Hope everyone's had a better day. And may your tomorrow be not full of shit. 

K's Recent Pleasures

....that does not include sex. (Attached, remember? Zzz)

I'm Not Yours - Angus and Julia Stone

It's so depressing, but depressing songs are my kinda therapy. Cry your heart out and feel better. That's the way I do it. This was my break-up song last year when the bf first dumped me (after he played me, that motherfucking bastard) and listening to it always brings me back to how I felt then. It feels as if I've cried everything onto this track, and those emotions will always linger on between every depressing chord.

(When listening to this I nonchalantly told the bf that this was the song I cried to when he broke my heart more than a year ago and he hugged me and kissed me and said he was sorry and that he would never do that again.... then I punched his crotch.)

Stay - Miley Cyrus

Yes it's a Miley Cyrus track. But it's much unlike whatever songs she's got on mainstream radio. It's actually really emotional and raw. For once I don't find her voice annoying, but instead appropriate. Listen to it. It'll remind you of your deepest heartache in those teenage years that have long slipped by. Like the teenage version of Adele... minus 20kg.

Sober - Kelly Clarkson

It was actually the second single off her My December album but it didn't really perform well so it's relatively unknown. It's an amazing song, really. Listen to her live versions on Youtube, her voice is so amazing towards the end when she belts her heart out. BUT listen to the album version too cause the strumming of the guitar and that haunting intro is just too good and it's different from all her live performances. 

Irvine - Kelly Clarkson

It's very dark. This isn't everyone's cup of tea but believe it or not it's my kinda song. I love this entire album, and although it kinda tanked commercially it's my favourite from her (which is saying a lot as I'm a diehard Kelly Clarkson Since-You-Been-Gone-Behind-These-Hazel-Eyes fan). I think it's very beautifully written, with a very poetic structure (but not as a poem though, as half a creative writing major I can tell you  those "good" poets would say that she's "telling too much and not showing enough").

Wide Awake - Katy Perry

As per a typical Katy Perry song, it has a well-formed tune with catchy hooks that will be stuck in your head. It's quite decent lyrically as well, and with this following the obviously addictive (yet oh so melancholic) TOTGA I find myself becoming quite a fan of hers!

Sub-standard Kayson

Is it normal to feel inadequate and outwardly-subpar (read : ugly & fat) at 5am in the morning?

I've been attracting quite a few cute guys on Jack'd (don't judge me.. Leonut's using it too!) (plus me and my bf are both on it to ogle at hot guys and stuff and we have each other's permission and blah blah). But the thing is my Jack'd picture is not of my face (no face pics at all, in fact), just a few pics of my body. 

Surprisingly, there are a few who weren't looking for sex (I usually tell them I'm attached and that I'm just here for friends after like two exchanges hehe). They actually liked what was written on my profile. 

Obviously after a while they want to put a face on that body so they ask. Ugh and I get so reluctant to send them my face pics cause fuck la I so ugly compared to them. But anyway I did reveal my face to one or two or five cutie pies. 

And then they ask me out for coffee. Shit lol. 

I guess friendship has gotta start from somewhere but what if I don't live up to their expectations.

The Bf tells me I'm stupid and that I'm gorgeous but fuck his opinion he's obligated to say that (or I withhold sex). 

I posted "Plastic surgery gmh" on Gives Me Hope once (go read it, it's actually quite... errr heart-warming at times).

Stupid optimistic people ("the FML for optimists!") are actually really creative when it comes to insults.

Yes that was me.

Fuck me and my superficial childish problems. I'll be reborn a hungry African child in my next life. At least I don't have to worry about being skinny then. 

Ok stop. My life is amazing. I'm happy everyday *throws mirror at housemate who is currently having sex*

Ivan

I first met Ivan when I was 16. He was making out with WY, another guy who I believe totally fucked his own life up. He had a reputation for being somewhat of an asshole, and from the first moment he talked to me, I could've have agreed more.

WY asked me for a goodbye kiss, and I obliged. He stuck his tongue inside me and ravaged my mouth. I went along; I didn't really know what constituted a great kiss then. Ivan, having spent the entire night talking to WY (fishing for a ONS apparently) was opposite us and seemed jealous ("Where's mine?").

He took my phone and left himself a missed call. I was admittedly turned on by this confidence, but I wasn't gonna give him that satisfaction. So when he refused to give me his name, I just saved his name under "Lanci" (arrogant, in canto) for future references, promptly walking away. 

Eventually we did go out quite a few times. We went to watch movies, to cybercafes for afternoons of DotA, to talk. He was still an asshole, I guess, but sometimes his softer side shone through. I could tell he was trying to be nice. Once he slept over at my place. We watched Grey's Anatomy till I fell asleep on his chest. His dick was huge (he showed me, that fucking cocky bastard). We didn't have sex. 

He would sometimes lash out at me. He insisted I was just playing with him. That I was just getting him to lower his guard so he would slip. He threatened that if I repeated any of the "mushy sensitive" stuff he said to me in confidence he would "fucking beat me up".When asked why he told me I was too good for him. He wasn't particularly handsome. He didn't have a hot body. He wasn't even nice to me at the start.  Once he called me a "fucking cheebye loser" and ended up spending the entire night convincing me I wasn't. So... why?

I guess I liked him then. He kept telling me to not fall in love with him. But it was pretty much the other way around, him being really attached to me. He was especially protective of me, and when people spoke ill of him I spoke up and stood his ground.. so I think I was pretty protective of him too. I think I had feelings for him. I was sure he had them for me, though.

Anyway, eventually I got sick of all his bullshit and mindgames. I think I hurt him real bad when I told him I had enough; that he wasn't worth it anymore. I told him I was sorry for saying that. I think he cried. I think that was the moment I became a cold-hearted bitch. 

We somehow drifted apart after then. And many guys later, we're still friends. It's been 5 years now and we've both grown. He's changed dramatically though. He's nice now. Everyone likes him. He's nice to everyone. Me included.

I don't know why I typed this. I was reminiscing, I guess, and I thought of him. He wasn't a fucking great deal of my life, but I miss him. And somewhere deep down, I guess I feel like I lost him. The him that was mine, anyway. 

It's selfish of me, but I wish he was still a well-hated jerk who was only nice to me (at times). I look at him and it brings me back to all the feelings I've long forgotten. I want to feel those emotions all over again. 

But he has changed. And so have I. For the better or for worst, it makes me want to cry.